"Where's Mrs. Tan?"
Well, it's the night before the test results and we're both OK. Though Wes is doing really well he does still tire easily and has called it an early night so I thought I would give you a bit of an update.
On Tuesday we went into HSC for the MRI and as we walked down the familiar hallways I looked around at all the people. Though it was close to evening the place was still fairly busy. Different people, but the atmosphere was the same. Faces with a hundred different expressions, some unreadable, others clearly expressing concerns, fears and confusion. Still, some walked with no expression whatsoever as though they have already allowed whatever problem they are dealing with to take over who they are.
We walked in and the waiting room was quite full, a young family of four, a mother and daughter and an older woman who was there on her own. We sat down and filled out the usual form and then sat back to wait.
The two young children were so adorable. The little girl had white blond hair and gorgeous curls and her blue eyes were as clear as ice. Her older brother was a carbon copy of her, except for one small difference he had a cochlear implant. As he turned his head in play you could see the implant on his head, but his hearing was amazing. They were both so polite and sweet and there was one point when the little girl couldn't get the toy box out from under the table and Wes quickly got up and pulled it out for her. She stood and stared at him for awhile and then with a giggle she said "Thank you!"
The wait seemed to drag on so the young dad took his children for a walk. Their mom was called in a few minutes later and then the older woman who was there on her own was called in. I knew Wes was next and sure enough the mom came walking out and Wes was called in. As I watched the young family joyfully reunite - it was as though the mom had been gone for days instead of half an hour - I realized that the mom was deaf, though she could speak you could tell it was with a severe impediment. She sort of sounded like Sue Thomas from the TV show.
As the family left an older Asian woman walked in. The girls behind the desk had left for supper and had simply left the remaining charts on the counter with a small sign that told people to be seated and that they would be back shortly.
The Asian woman got up and left for quite a long time and sure enough the technician called her name "Mrs. Tan" while she was gone. He called her name a second time and so I politely mentioned that she had stepped out for a bit. A short while later the woman came back with her husband, they had gone for a quick coffee at Tim's upstairs. I mentioned to her that her name had been called and she panicked that she had missed it. I assured her that they would call again and I realized very quickly that her panic was not so much about being missed, but the test itself.
She had seated herself on one of the tiny children's chairs in the waiting room and her husband didn't stick around to be with her as she waited, so she turned to me. We made small talk and the whole time we spoke she had her arms wrapped around her middle and was rocking back and forth on the little chair. Before we could get into any in depth conversation her name was called again and she stood to follow the technician. She stopped and turned to look at me a shaky smile on her face and like a little girl she offered me a little wave and a quiet, "Bye"
I smiled at her and said goodbye as well all the while I was sorry that we hadn't had more time together.
Wes came out a few minutes later and we walked out in silence. My mind kept seeing Mrs. Tan's face, the fear and trepidation, I remember that feeling. There are moments when I still have those feelings, but they come differently now and I don't know how to explain it to you, but God really does offer you his strength when you are rocking back and forth not knowing what's going to happen next. And you know what? It's OK not to have it all together, it's OK to say that you don't know what God's plan is, but you wonder if it's a good one.
It's easy to say that you have faith and that should be enough. Really? Faith is not always that cut and dried, not when your tired, confused, scared. It would be nice to be able to say that there are no moments of darkness, but then that wouldn't be the truth.
God loves his children, he cares for us and I believe he gives us license to mourn, to question, to cry and he encourages us to find him in all the dark moments. That's not really that hard to do. Wes and I talked about it at length today, looking back through the past months and particularly the past weeks and acknowledging how there are things that have happened that can only be explained as God.
But, its funny how even when you see God's power in your life, you see his work through a cloud of tears, knowing that he's there, but you just don't know how to touch him. And then you realize that you don't have to blindly reach out to him, but if you stand still long enough, if you stop rocking back and forth in fear of the unknown, it doesn't take long and you can feel his calming and loving touch on your life.
And for now, that's what keeps me going.
"And the people all tried to touch him, because power was coming from him and healing them all." Luke 6:19
On Tuesday we went into HSC for the MRI and as we walked down the familiar hallways I looked around at all the people. Though it was close to evening the place was still fairly busy. Different people, but the atmosphere was the same. Faces with a hundred different expressions, some unreadable, others clearly expressing concerns, fears and confusion. Still, some walked with no expression whatsoever as though they have already allowed whatever problem they are dealing with to take over who they are.
We walked in and the waiting room was quite full, a young family of four, a mother and daughter and an older woman who was there on her own. We sat down and filled out the usual form and then sat back to wait.
The two young children were so adorable. The little girl had white blond hair and gorgeous curls and her blue eyes were as clear as ice. Her older brother was a carbon copy of her, except for one small difference he had a cochlear implant. As he turned his head in play you could see the implant on his head, but his hearing was amazing. They were both so polite and sweet and there was one point when the little girl couldn't get the toy box out from under the table and Wes quickly got up and pulled it out for her. She stood and stared at him for awhile and then with a giggle she said "Thank you!"
The wait seemed to drag on so the young dad took his children for a walk. Their mom was called in a few minutes later and then the older woman who was there on her own was called in. I knew Wes was next and sure enough the mom came walking out and Wes was called in. As I watched the young family joyfully reunite - it was as though the mom had been gone for days instead of half an hour - I realized that the mom was deaf, though she could speak you could tell it was with a severe impediment. She sort of sounded like Sue Thomas from the TV show.
As the family left an older Asian woman walked in. The girls behind the desk had left for supper and had simply left the remaining charts on the counter with a small sign that told people to be seated and that they would be back shortly.
The Asian woman got up and left for quite a long time and sure enough the technician called her name "Mrs. Tan" while she was gone. He called her name a second time and so I politely mentioned that she had stepped out for a bit. A short while later the woman came back with her husband, they had gone for a quick coffee at Tim's upstairs. I mentioned to her that her name had been called and she panicked that she had missed it. I assured her that they would call again and I realized very quickly that her panic was not so much about being missed, but the test itself.
She had seated herself on one of the tiny children's chairs in the waiting room and her husband didn't stick around to be with her as she waited, so she turned to me. We made small talk and the whole time we spoke she had her arms wrapped around her middle and was rocking back and forth on the little chair. Before we could get into any in depth conversation her name was called again and she stood to follow the technician. She stopped and turned to look at me a shaky smile on her face and like a little girl she offered me a little wave and a quiet, "Bye"
I smiled at her and said goodbye as well all the while I was sorry that we hadn't had more time together.
Wes came out a few minutes later and we walked out in silence. My mind kept seeing Mrs. Tan's face, the fear and trepidation, I remember that feeling. There are moments when I still have those feelings, but they come differently now and I don't know how to explain it to you, but God really does offer you his strength when you are rocking back and forth not knowing what's going to happen next. And you know what? It's OK not to have it all together, it's OK to say that you don't know what God's plan is, but you wonder if it's a good one.
It's easy to say that you have faith and that should be enough. Really? Faith is not always that cut and dried, not when your tired, confused, scared. It would be nice to be able to say that there are no moments of darkness, but then that wouldn't be the truth.
God loves his children, he cares for us and I believe he gives us license to mourn, to question, to cry and he encourages us to find him in all the dark moments. That's not really that hard to do. Wes and I talked about it at length today, looking back through the past months and particularly the past weeks and acknowledging how there are things that have happened that can only be explained as God.
But, its funny how even when you see God's power in your life, you see his work through a cloud of tears, knowing that he's there, but you just don't know how to touch him. And then you realize that you don't have to blindly reach out to him, but if you stand still long enough, if you stop rocking back and forth in fear of the unknown, it doesn't take long and you can feel his calming and loving touch on your life.
And for now, that's what keeps me going.
"And the people all tried to touch him, because power was coming from him and healing them all." Luke 6:19
Comments