Everyone's OK

January 18, 2009 - Well, this morning Wes took his last dose of chemo pills for this month...hurray...so far he has not had any ill side effects. He's been handling this process really well, much better than I had expected. To be honest I didn't know what to expect, you can only read so and so much on the Internet and usually nothing on there is really encouraging, which is why I limit what I read.

So, I was so happy to see how well he was doing every time he came to see me in the hospital. Why was he coming to see me in the hospital?...well...because...ummm....

OK, let's talk about my little escapade this past week, but let's make it quick!

Here goes. On Tuesday night around 9:00p.m. Wes brought me into the Hospital with intense pain. It had started right after supper. Deep down I had this feeling I knew what it was but I really didn't want it to be true. I hadn't had a pancreatic attack for 14 years, why now?

But, as the evening progressed I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore, the pain was extreme and radiated from my abdomen around to my back and doesn't stop in fact it just escalates. The hospital was really good and did not make me wait longer than about 10 minutes in the waiting room before I saw a nurse who took my history and asked all the normal questions. I told him what I suspected had happened, he asked about any stress in my life...ummm....well, let me think...OK, I shared and after I told him our story he immediately felt that this was something simply stress related and not pancreatitis.

Within another 20 minutes, although it felt like an hour to me, they had the first doctor in the room and after some blood work they realized that I was correct, my pancreatitis had flared up again. Not that it brought me any sense of relief, in fact I was very disappointed. After I heard the diagnosis and they had the IV in place along with the morphine injection, I told Wes that he should go home, it was nearing midnight and I could tell he was so tired and he must have been very tired because he actually agreed.

They brought me up to my room and I spent the night with my pain and constant doses of morphine. I was very out of it until the next day and then well, I spent that day throwing up and that was a barrel of laughs. Actually, it became more and more painful to do so as time went on.

Arrangements were made for a CAT scan that same day and so I was asked to drink two large cups of contrast before they would take me down. Well, that didn't help my situation at all! The more I tried to drink, the more uncomfortable I was getting until I don't know how much of the contrast actually stayed in my system for the test. They then injected dye into my system just before my CAT scan and I managed to maintain a modicum of dignity through it and they brought me back up to my room.

The rest of the day went pretty much the same, just trying to deal with the pain and the humility of throwing up every hour. The staff at the hospital all gave exemplary care not just to me, but to everyone, we are blessed in this community to have them.

The first day Dr. Booy told me my lipase (I think that's what he said) was at 6500, by the second day it was at 1000 and by the third, miraculously it was back to a normal 277. Something everyone was excited about, but no one could explain. A drop in that type of blood count did not normally happen that fast. Except...when you ask people to pray!

So, after an ultrasound that showed no gallstones, which is another reason that people get pancreatitis I was able to go home a few days early on a promise that I would maintain my wonderful juice and jell-o diet and rest, rest, rest. I'm hoping that by tomorrow I may be able to try some dry toast and honey or jam...equally yummy. Doesn't really do much for your energy level, but my pancreas needs to rest and little or no food is the only way to allow it to do that.

There are a few reasons that pancreatic attacks happen and sometimes there are never answers to why it happens and though the three doctors that I saw this past week all agreed that stress did not trigger this episode, it's something that almost everyone else has suggested as the key thing that set it off.

And I know that everyone has their own theories of why this happened and believe me, I've heard them all and it's not that I don't acknowledge that some of those ideas could be a contributor. But, then I would have to admit that maybe I'm not handling things in the right way and that doesn't sit well with me, I doubt that it would sit well with anyone.

Believe me, I've read the verses on worry and how it doesn't add a single hour to your life, but, this is also the toughest situation that we have ever had to deal with as a family and though I'm not using that as an excuse, I'm also trying not to beat myself up over this. If I didn't love my husband and our sons maybe it wouldn't bother me, but I do and so yes, I'm willing to admit that I'm scared, I'm tired and I want our life back. But, that's not going to happen. But, I know that God has a plan, it's just not completely clear yet. And if you think of it we've only been battling this out since September and that's not really a long time to try and wrap your brain around everything. Please don't misunderstand, I am totally grateful for how God has been bringing Wes through this in the amazing way that He has and trust me we know the alternatives so we do understand how amazing it really is!

I just wish I could say that I am at peace about everything, I'm not always. I wish I could say that I have now pulled it together, because I haven't, not completely. But, I have once again reminded myself that our family is in God's care and that my fears and worries about a myriad of things won't change our life back. Do I want to admit any of these things, of course not, would you? I'm hanging onto God's promises and your prayers because that is how I can carry on, but that doesn't always stop my mind from rolling late at night, always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it won't always stop me from trying to push with strength that I may just not have anymore. And I doubt that these feelings and challenges would be any different for anyone else.

I'm slowly healing physically, reevaluating mentally and continuing to push forward spiritually. And right now that is all I can do. God did not promise the perfect journey. He knows me well enough that I will not always make the best decisions or lean on Him for strength like I should and He also knows that I am stubborn and headstrong after all he created me, who would know me best? You know, I could analyze this over and over, but I don't think that I'm going to find the answer for something that may not ever be completely clear to me.

On Tuesday when I see Dr. Booy I may know more medically, but spiritually? Well, that's a never ending journey isn't it?

But I will tell you one thing that I did relearn through all of this was that when you get family, friends and even strangers praying, trust me, those prayers do not go unnoticed. I knew this before through Wes' experiences, but now I experienced it more personally this past week for myself. It is a humbling place to be so often dependent on others for prayer, but it's the only umbrella I would want to live under...and you?

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28