Forgiveness
I think back to my own life; and yes, I will admit there have been situations where I believed that forgiveness was just not an option. I have been angry and there have been times when I thought I was justifiably angry. But, is anger or resentment ever really justified? Especially as a Christian?
This past week a conversation with a friend sparked a few memories for me of a time years ago that I’m not proud of. I was in a place where I thought I was justifiably angry. I refused to forgive the hurt that I thought had been done, I did not believe that I had to forgive because in my mind it was inexcusable and the people involved should be begging me for forgiveness.
Really?
On the drive home later that day, I talked to God about my memories of that time in my life. And as my mind relived the story again I became anxious, anxious that the anger and hurt would manifest itself back into my heart because sometimes when we think back on something the imagination embellishes and makes things bigger than what they really might have been bringing back all the overwhelming feelings of resentment and even bitterness. And I think that deep down I was worried that maybe I hadn’t really forgiven like I thought I had.
But, as I continued my private conversation with God it took awhile for me to realize that nothing was happening. I could remember, but the remembering no longer brought anxiety or pain. I remembered the feelings I had, but remembering didn’t make them appear in my heart again. I had truly forgiven. I drove down the highway and when this truth hit me I was overwhelmed with such joy and peace, that same peace that I had experienced the day I chose forgiveness over anger. I could remember, but it was remembering with a sense of tranquility.
So, how did I get to that point?
Well, looking back, I don’t remember what day it was, but I do remember it was after a conversation I had with Wes when he confronted me with the fact that I needed to move on, to let it go. So, I got angry with him. Not real mature, I know, but I was a lot younger and dumber back then. Ok, that’s actually funny now, but it wasn’t quite so funny back then.
I was frustrated, I wanted someone to side with me, but he wasn’t having any of it, he was tired of it. I realized I needed to do something because the bitterness was eating me up inside, so huffing and puffing with fury at the world I went to my husband’s collection of cassette tapes (ok, so that tells you how long ago this was!) and found a series by John MacArthur on forgiveness. It was called My Brother’s Keeper. I sat down with my tape player and listened to the first two tapes…huh…nothing new here. At least nothing I wanted to hear anyway. I popped in the third tape and listened, carefully. This one caught my attention. John made it perfectly clear. If you don't forgive someone else as a Christian, two things take place. Number one, you will not know the forgiveness of God, your communion with Him will be cut off, your relationship with Him and the joy that you know should be there in that relationship won’t be. Secondly, you will know his chastening. Chastening? Like discipline or correction? Uh huh.
And then he said something along the lines of, when you don't forgive, you cannot experience the full joy of your salvation. Wait a minute. Was that what I was missing? It seemed as though at every turn I was frustrated and becoming even angrier, there was no joy in anything anymore that I was doing. It was all starting to make sense. And it was scary.
I rewound the tape. When you don`t forgive, you cannot experience the full joy of your salvation. Yes, that is what he said.
I didn’t want to damage my relationship with Christ, but that was exactly what I was doing. Little by little I was allowing my hurts that really, in the grand scheme of things, didn’t amount to a hill of beans, to take over my relationship with Christ.
The light bulb was slowly coming on. At least there was a flicker. Then John began to pray and I was ready to turn off the tape like I had done with the others, but something stopped my finger from touching the button. I listened.
In his prayer John thanked God for many things and then he said, and this is how I remember it, while your heads are bowed, would you pray and ask God to make you a forgiving person. And then he said, identify the person in your heart that you have found it hard to forgive and choose right now to forgive. Whisper the name and say, out loud, I forgive that person. Maybe there’s more than one, name them and ask God to help you forgive them. I turned off the tape and walked into our bedroom and stood staring out into the yard. I could feel the pressure building, is that part of the chastening? God was putting the pressure on. There was no other way out.
Plus, I was so tired of being angry and self-righteous.
Just say it.
I bowed my head and whispered the names and with each name the pressure became less and then I came to the last name. It was unexpected, it was out of the blue and it came so quickly without me even thinking about it.
It was my own name.
I broke down and with tears streaming I literally fell to my knees. The exhaustion of holding onto that anger and clinging to so much bitterness all that time began to come out. The floodgates of every emotion flowed through my body when I realized that out of all the names that had passed through my lips, the one that impacted me the most was my own. I needed forgiveness. I wanted forgiveness. I wanted to let go of the anger and the bitterness, all of it. It was time to move on and rebuild my relationship with Christ.
It was way overdue.
Satan seeks to destroy, but we are the ones who open the door and let him in to do it.
If there is some anger or resentment that you are harboring in your heart towards someone. Let it go. If you can’t seem to experience the peace you once had. Check it out. Look in your heart. It could be that there is someone that you have not really forgiven and that unforgiveness is blocking any peace or joy that you should be experiencing in your walk with Christ. It`s not worth it.
Trust me.
Cause I`ve been there.
Nope, it`s just not worth it.
Matthew 18:21-22 “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
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