I understand
I had that happen today at the office.
I wanted to leave a simple ‘call me back’ sort of message, but I suddenly decided that I needed to clarify why he should call me back, when he could call me back and that I knew he had taken the day off, but that it was ok because he could call me back tomorrow and on and on I went...oh boy, big mistake. It was one of those moments when you know exactly what you’re doing wrong and even as you listen to yourself you cringe, but no matter how hard you try you just can’t stop talking.
Sort of like when our boys were little and they were learning to drive their bicycles without training wheels. They would start out so well and then suddenly they would lose their balance and you can see the front wheel begin to wobble as their little legs would swing from side to side trying to find their center and no matter how fast I ran I could never get there fast enough to stop them from falling.
This was one of those moments.
No matter how much I tried to stop myself from leaving a long confusing message the longer the message became and the more I was missing the mark. And the more I tried to clarify the more confusing it became, even to me and I knew what I was trying to say! I hung up the phone and dropped my head in my hand. Yikes! That was a train wreck.
“Oh boy, that was awful!” I started to laugh and I couldn’t stop. I was glad that no one chose that moment to walk into the office because they would probably think I’ve lost what few marbles I have left.
What was he going to think when he listened to that message? Since it’s not someone that knows me very well, he may just wonder how much sugar I had consumed before making the call. By the end of the message I was talking pretty fast, running short of oxygen and my voice was getting higher and higher, so I’m pretty sure I started sounding like Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks. And the more I thought about it the harder I laughed. And here I was trying to sound so professional. Nice try!
I wonder if that’s what we must sound like to God sometimes. Confused and erratic. I remember when Wes was first diagnosed with a brain tumour, oh my how I remember those prayers. Mostly just words thrown together, whatever came into my mind first. No rhyme or reason, just frantic words. I was out of breath then too, but there was a difference, it wasn’t that I was just short of breath, but there wasn’t enough oxygen in the world to keep my mind clear and my prayers stable. My prayers were muddled and murky, I knew in my heart what I wanted to say, but the words just kept getting all mixed up or they were non-existent. I ran out of breath because I had so much to tell Him and I felt like I had to explain everything to Him, over and over again, even though He already knew everything.
But, guess what? He understands
When we don’t have the words.
He understands
When we can’t make sense out of life.
He understands
When we talk to Him with hysteria in our voice
He understands
When there doesn’t seem to be enough air in the world to fill our lungs so that we can finish our sentences.
He understands
When we repeat ourselves over and over again.
He understands
So, why am I telling you this? That phone message got me to thinking about this week. It’s not my favourite week because Wes is going in for his MRI on Friday. This test is never routine, I never take for granted that it’s always going to be just fine. My prayers are going up to God in full force this week, not always making sense, but my heart is repeating the same thing over and over again.
But, guess what?
God understands.
He hears.
He knows.
He loves.
He’s in control.
And that’s good enough for me.
Please listen, LORD,
and answer my prayer!
I am poor and helpless.
Protect me and save me
because you are my God.
I am your faithful servant,
and I trust you.
Be kind to me!
I pray to you all day.
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