Where's Hope?

I’ve had a number of conversations these past two months with people who are struggling to understand their own grief and sadness.  Some feel guilty because they can’t seem to get past the pain and then there are those who simply want to know that they are not alone and they want to talk to someone who ‘gets it’.  I guess I’m part of the inner circle now who gets it and I realize that in previous years I’ve been too judgmental on people that were grieving.  What you think you are seeing in someone who is grieving is not necessarily how they are really feeling, it goes much deeper than that.  We are the walking wounded and sometimes you see the wounds and other times you see a façade that we put on for you because we know you aren’t comfortable being exposed to our sorrow and there are days when we are actually happy.  It’s a roller coaster ride that’s for sure!

One thing I’ve found as I’ve listened to various people sharing their journeys is that there is always one question, whether it’s actually verbalized or simply implied is this;

How do you find hope again?  In this mess of emotions, in the fear of the future, in the horrible pain of loss…how do you find hope?

My best answer?  You don’t.

Hope finds you.

During these first few months there has been a fog that has blanketed my mind and it’s not been easy to cope with because I have no control over when, why or how long it will stay and that causes me to feel very vulnerable. Some days I feel sadness quicker than others, some days I can feel great strength and others I don’t know how I’ll survive.  However, I’ve been finding in the past few days that this has lifted somewhat, I don’t know exactly how it happened I just know there came a point one day when I felt this sense of heaviness release and for the first few minutes I wasn’t even sure how to respond to it.  I just know I felt relief and peace.  I think part of the shift has been because of the way my walk with God has also been changing. 

Though I wholly felt God’s presence in the hospital room and in the days that followed, it’s been in these last few months where God has become real in a way that I find difficult to explain to people.  To put it simply my relationship with God has become more concrete than it’s ever been and I think that is largely in part to the fact that I am relying on him now more than I ever have before.  It’s like his presence is much more tangible now.  Had to use my thesaurus a few times to try and figure out how best to explain what I’m feeling to you. 

It’s like this, God is expressing himself to me in ways that might have confused or even scared me before, but now, I anxiously wait for him to move and he does, in surprising and miraculous ways.  And there’s this peace, a sense of harmony that I have with him that goes beyond my personal understanding and that’s an exciting and daunting place to be.  It’s like he wants me to know him on a level that I was not able to comprehend before and so little by little he is showing his true nature, a nature that is joyful and loving and present.  And when do I feel it the most?  When I am hurting and alone.  There are still many times during the week when I feel darkness closing in and it's suffocating.  Like the other night.  I had been having a really good week, I seemed to be able to function quite normally and I was walking to my bedroom to go to bed and as I walked down the hall it hit me like a ton of bricks that Wes was never coming back and I doubled over on the floor and wept.  No warning, no trigger, just straight out full blown sadness in the face of the reality that I was alone. And as I pushed to get myself under control I felt it.  God was there.  I was no longer alone.  It's like the entire house began to breathe in his presence and I was covered in a blanket of his love and the tears changed from intense pain to acknowledging his healing grace.  It's so hard to explain and it’s quite amazing really.  It’s almost like I can reach out and touch God and still I can’t and yet I can feel him right there.  Yes, you might be thinking straight jacket right about now, but, hang in there with me.

In Psalm 68 and Isaiah 54 it says that God is the husband and the protector to the widows and that is exactly what he has become to me and that line right there is really important.  Husband and protector, two things Wes was for me that are no longer there.  He was my protector and that was vital to my emotional and spiritual well-being, when I was feeling hurt or sad because of something someone said or did, purposely or not he rose to my defense and I will say there were few times I ever saw him angry, but, if someone would be disrespectful to me he could become extremely angry and it was because of that that I always felt safe with him because I knew he would protect me.  So, in trying to understand how I can deal with feeling vulnerable and susceptible to various aspects of life I began to read scripture specifically searching for answers and this is what I found. 

“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.” Isaiah 54:4-5

“Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.” Psalm 68:5

In my darkest moments God reminds me that he is there and that he has a prominent role in my life.  My redeemer, the Lord of hosts, the holy one is now my protector.

Years ago I suffered from severe panic attacks.  I would have trouble breathing and it felt like I was dying and it was during those times that Wes would hold me and whisper, “You’ll be ok, just breathe, you’ll be ok”.  Grief strikes like a bad panic attack and all you can think is that you would like nothing more than to curl up and die. But it’s in those moments that I have feel God’s presence surround me and he whispers, “You’ll be ok”.  I would never have understood that before and I guess to a point I didn’t need too because I was leaning on my husband for that love, faith and support and when that was taken away I felt off balance, like my world had completely shifted to the point where I even lost a part of who I was because so much of who I was and what I believed was tied in to Wes and his faith.  But, God is showing me over and over again that I am his child and my faith is my own, he is constantly leading and teaching, he is protecting, he is revealing and he is moving.  And he is moving in miraculous ways that have left me awestruck.

In the beginning I had some pretty hard questions for God, ok, hard for me but I have a suspicious feeling God knew they were coming and he wasn't afraid of what I might ask. I was nervous to throw these questions at him because I was scared of what the answer might be or worse yet, I was worried that he might stay silent, but I asked anyway.  I timidly knocked on the doors of Heaven and he not only answered, but, he has been continually revealing his love for me in ways that have torn down walls of hurt, have begun the healing process of the gaping wounds and best of all have helped me to see God for who he is, a loving father, a protector and a husband.

Oh, this doesn’t mean I’m on easy street now.  It’s still very hard, ok, I’ll admit it it’s bloomin’ hard and there are days when I want to throw my hands up in the air and say “I’m done!” and then he sends someone my way who is exactly the person I need for that moment in my life and afterwards I feel a pang of guilt for not trusting that he’s still looking out for me and a huge dose of humility because he shows me over and over again that this is how he shows his love. 

Take for example my meeting a young girl in Polo Park a number of weeks ago.  I had gone shopping to use up my gift cards from Hudson’s Bay and I had a pretty successful trip.  It also helped that everything I bought was 40% off – woohoo!  So anyway, I was walking around with a pretty large Bay shopping bag and decided to stop in at the store Lush.  As I was standing there one of the clerks came over to me and asked if she could help me.  She had blue hair, piercings and tattoos, but she was cute as a button and so friendly.  Well, we got to talking and she asked if she could demonstrate some of the body conditioners they had.  Sure, why not?  We sat down together at the little table and she began washing my arm and slowly applying the product.  As she did she looked at my large shopping bag and smiled, “I see you've had a pretty successful shopping day already!”  Yes, I responded, I had a few gift cards from my birthday that I was able to use.  She asked when my birthday was and it was then that I needed to explain that my birthday was way back in October but because my husband got sick everything was put on hold. I told her his story, the shortened one minute version and then I mentioned that he had passed away in November.  She was quiet for a while and then she said, “My dad passed away in November a few years ago.” I said, “I’m so sorry” and she smiled a sad little smile and said softly,  “You’ll get through it, but you’ll never get over it”  Her eyes were bright with tears and I could feel a shift in our communication, we were more connected, more sympathetic to one another. Her thinking that I was just on a joyful shopping trip and me only seeing her as a young hip girl, were no longer accurate.  We were both carrying pain and it was like everyone else in the store disappeared as we sat there and quietly enjoyed one another’s company.  Two people who God had put together in that moment, just to feel connected. We chatted for a bit longer, I decided on my favorite lotion and then went to stand in the lineup and she disappeared which made me kind of sad because I wanted to say goodbye to her.  However, after I finished paying I turned and there she was smiling and holding a small brown bag that contained some bubble bath and a sweet handwritten note.  She held the bag out to me and said, “This is for you, just from me to you!” and then she gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, “You’ll be OK!”

Three little words, “You’ll be OK!”  That’s hope at its finest. I didn’t search it out; it just came from someone who’s ‘been there’. 

And that my friend is how hope finds you, through the people that God places in your path and through the promises that he has made in his word.

Hope that this world is not our final home, but that he is preparing a place for me.

Hope that the pain of this world will not be present in heaven.

Hope that every day he walks beside me, guiding, loving and offering his protection.

Hope that I will always remember the love Wes and I had.

Hope that life is a wonderful gift and he wants me to take pleasure in it together with him.

Hope that no matter what, God loves me.

Hope that I am stronger than I think.

Hope that I know I will see Wes again.

Hope that says, “I’ll be OK”

So you see, you don’t have to run after hope or try to 'find' it, it’s not concealed or hidden from you, it’s there, right there in the little moments that God blesses you with.  A friend who drops in just to see how I am, a neighbor who borrows me their tractor during their busiest season, a friend who makes me laugh uncontrollably for no reason, a loving text, a warm email, a coffee date, a listening ear, a promise to keep praying, conversations with my sons, laughter with my grandbabies, loving hugs with my daughter-in-law, many family members who support me over and over again.  Each of these “moments” is filled with hope.  You just have to be brave and hold out your hand and Jesus will place his nail scarred hand in yours and there where his love flows ever so freely, there too comes hope.