In The Darkness

When I was a little girl I wasn’t crazy about going into our basement.  It had a low ceiling and it had a few dark corners, but that’s where the bathroom was so I had to learn to get over that fear.  And most times I could do that until mom would ask me to go and get some potatoes for supper.  Oh man, never my favorite chore!  The pantry was a small room in the farthest corner of the basement and the light for the pantry was a string attached to a bulb that hung in the middle of the room.  So I created a system to keep myself safe from things that go bump in the dark.  I would stand in the doorway with my foot on the threshold of the doorframe, always making sure my toes weren’t hanging over just in case a mouse would happen to be running by and want to take a nibble.  Then I stretched as far as I could, swing blindly with my hand hoping to connect with that string on the first strike.  Nope, never happened the first time, more often it took a few wild tries to snag onto that string and nothing was more frustrating then when I thought I had it in my hand only to lose it before I could give it a quick tug.  And even with all of my acrobatics I very rarely ever lost my footing on that threshold because there was no way I was stepping into that dark room without my hand on that string. 

Fear of the dark is not just for children.  As adults we deal with a lot of fears, for me it has been the fear of being alone, making decisions, fear of not knowing how to continue living, fear of what people are saying or thinking. 

During one of my sessions with my grief counselor I spoke to her about my fears and she asked me to close my eyes and think of all the people that were there for me throughout those dark times in palliative care.  She asked me to picture them one by one the doctors, nurses, family and friends.  She said I should envision them surrounding me in the darkness and as I carried out that exercise I was amazed at who I could all see standing beside me in the shadows.  So many people!   I’ve done that exercise a few times on my own since that session, just to remind myself of the many faces of those who continue to surround me with prayers and expressions of love.

I’m still learning to live life on my own and it’s definitely not easy but God has been right beside me every step of the way. 

This past year I’ve forced myself to go out socially alone.  Oh, I have enough wonderful friends that I would only need to make one phone call or send a simple text and I’d have more than enough people who would be willing to join me, but I also feel it’s important for me to learn how to do life alone.  Because right now, that is my reality. 

Now, that may sound strange to say that you have to force yourself to go out, but, it does take some effort for me to go out in public.  It feels awkward and uncomfortable.  Even something as simple as grocery shopping can easily make me feel out of place.  Walking into a room full of people at a function is definitely intimidating.  I walk in trying to find a place at a table for one, when most of the empty spaces are for two.  When you are finally brave enough to sit down someone will come and ask, “Can I sit here?  Or is your husband joining you?”  I remember a funeral I was at a number of months ago when I walked out after the service and quickly ran to my truck to go home.  I sat there in the parking lot for awhile scolding myself for not staying for coffee.  I took a deep breath and walked back into the church.  I went through the buffet line and looked around the room.  Ugh!  Then my dear friends Brian and Sheila came to give me a hug and offered words of encouragement and then another friend came over and invited me to sit at their table.  Their table was actually full but they ran and got another chair and squished me in there with them.  People have no idea how much little things like that mean to me. 

I recently decided to take a cooking class once a month just to get out; well it’s more than that.  It gives me something to look forward to, something different to talk about and it helps open up my mind and my heart to the world around me.  At one of the classes, it was a more formal evening.   I walked in and there were four tables set up and the only spots left at three of the tables were for couples.  So, I started my own table.  I sat alone at that table for about 15 minutes, but, it felt like forever especially when you hear the laughter and conversations happening around you.  I prayed that God would send someone to sit with me that I could connect with.  Well, eventually two couples joined me and we had a great time.  Toward the end of the evening I found out that the one gentleman knew many of the businessmen from Monarch and so that opened the door to a whole other conversation.  I enjoyed visiting with their wives because they were hilarious, constantly teasing their husbands, a lot like Wes and I used to do.  Though it caused a bit of pain it was also so good to hear that kind of lovely banter again.  God had answered my prayer.

Recently I was at a conference and my first instinct was to hide among the hundreds of people there.  To keep my head buried in my phone or my notes, only speaking to the people who had travelled with me.  That would have been the easiest thing to do, however I made a conscious effort to find a new friend so I approached a woman during one of the breaks and began a conversation with her and we connected really well.  The next day we became speed shopping partners during our lunch break.  We had so much fun and she was the perfect partner for me.  We walked to the mall together and then she said that she would go her way and I should go mine.  That was the best plan for me because I can’t stand following someone around or having them follow me around while I’m shopping.  We took off quickly, knowing we only had an hour and then we met up after lunch to compare purchases.    

There was another woman at the conference that I got to know and we landed up sitting together on the plane ride home.  We were in a small plane and our seats were actually facing all the others in the plane so we were having a lot of fun with the passengers around us, some were making faces, others were placing orders with us as if we were the stewardesses, we had a blast.  After everyone had had their fun she and I spent the majority of our flight time sharing about faith and family. 

I’m learning that it is because of my faith in Jesus that I’m never really alone.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss Wes.  Oh, I have no idea how to express to you how much I miss him, how much it hurts that he’s not here.  I dreamt about him again the other day.  He was coming home.  I even saw the smile on his face, I could hear the rumble of the truck turning onto the yard, I could see the lights reflected on the wall.  And then I woke up and the sadness that it was only a dream was devastating.  And so in the darkness of that moment I cry out to God and the light comes. 

I remind myself that in the midst of some of my greatest fears God is holding my hand.  Period.  And it’s only because I know that He holds my hand that I have the strength to step off that threshold, to move out of the doorway and reach through the darkness to find the light.  Knowing that not even the thickest of darkness in our lives can hide us from God.  And it’s when I invite God to move through this life with me, when I trust Him enough to take another step forward, it’s then that He opens my eyes so that I can see the numerous faces still surrounding me, cheering me on, offering their friendship, challenging me to grow and supporting me in prayer.  So many beautiful faces, some who have been with me for years and now there’s even some new faces too.   


If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:11 & 12