The Scent of You

I began writing this blog post the morning that Wes passed away, I did not know if I would ever finish it, but, here it is;

I have always loved writing, it is an expression of the condition of my heart, and it offers the outside world a glimpse into my mind and speaks words of healing to my soul.  For the past few days I’ve had no words. And through the night as I moved to sit beside the man I had called my husband for the past 33 years I knew, as I’ve known for many months now, that my time with him is growing short.  And it grows shorter every day.  

He has not been able to eat or drink for a number of days now and his responses are getting less and less.  Yesterday he still held my hand and so throughout the day we would hold hands, sometimes for a few minutes, often for more than an hour.  Sometimes he’s restless, other times he’s so still I’m not sure if he’s still here.  But, he is still my love.
As this horrible condition wreaks havoc with his mind and body one thing remains, his family's love for him.  Our boys & Tina sat with me and Wes until late yesterday.  We each want him to know we are here for him and that our love will see him through this.  Still Jesus will take him because He loves him more.


A few days ago my sister Cheryl was here and when we hugged she said, “Oh you smell pretty!”  I wasn’t sure at first what she was smelling because ever since Wes and I were married I had to stop wearing perfume because it gave him such horrible migraines, but then it dawned on me.  Oh, my shampoo, that’s what she was smelling. 

Yesterday the nurses wanted to give Wes his bath and after they were done I walked into the room and the first thing I said was, “Oh, it smells nice in here!”  It turns out that one of the aides had seen my shampoo on the edge of the bathtub and decided that it smelled much better than what the hospital had to offer, so that’s what they used for Wes and yeah, he smelled real pretty.  This morning the same aide came in and asked if she could use my shampoo again and I said yes right away.  

Perhaps the smell would remind him of me. 

It might sound a bit crazy, but trust me, when you are in this situation you look for as many creative ways as possible to remind your loved one that you are there.  And I know that if he would be able to respond to this he would just smile and shake his head at my thought.  But, he would appreciate the gesture!

When the Bible says that you are one, it wasn’t kidding.  A few hours after I wrote this one of the aide’s and I were in the room with Wes when I realized that he had stopped breathing.  This had not been really unusual, he had stopped breathing a couple of times during the night, but, never for a long time and though it was scary I was told this could go on for days.  But, as I looked at him I knew this time was different.  I fell into the chair beside him and cried out.  The ward nurse came in and quickly asked the aide to put down the rail on the side of the bed that I was on.  These sensitive women were giving me permission to get as close to my husband as I could and I took advantage of the moment.  I wrapped my arms around him as best I could and laid my head on his chest and told him I loved him.  I felt his chest rise and fall with one last breath and he was gone.

A number of weeks ago I received that beautiful miracle of hearing his final words to me, “I love you!” And so now with the understanding that the hearing is the last sense to go my hope is that the last words he heard from me as well were “I love you!”

Our final declaration of love.

This past week has been extremely difficult for our family and even more difficult is explaining this loss to our grandbabies.   We took them to see Wes on Friday morning and he looked so good!  Kiley was kind enough to give us a private room for this emotional time.  I sat with Blaique on my lap on the couch, Dom with his mom, Kinsley with her dad and Uncle Nic had Brooklyn.  I spoke to them about how papa would no longer be living at mama’s house, but that he was now with Jesus in Heaven.  And kids are amazing, they whispered so papa could keep sleeping.  They wanted to see him up close.  They said goodbye.  They accepted it.  But this is only part one of a long journey.

As a family we had decided to go have lunch together immediately following the viewing so that this moment with papa would not be the only memory they have of that day.  We decided on where to go for lunch and I had Blaique in the truck with Nic and myself.  I backed out of the parking space at Wiebe’s and as we drove past the side of the building Blaique pointed at the building, “That’s heaven!” she said, “That’s where papa is going to live now!” and carefully I explained that it wasn’t heaven and that he would only be there for a short time and then we wouldn’t see him anymore.  She was quiet for a little while and then simply nodded and said, “Yeah, he’ll only be there for a little while”

Children accept life and death better than we give them credit for.  They don’t understand the details and for now that’s totally ok, but they accept the overall big picture.  They know papa has no more owies and that he’s not going to be living with mama anymore and they understand to a small degree that he’s safe now with Jesus and that’s all they need to understand now for this moment.

Please continue to pray for us as we learn to navigate life without the quiet, gentle, teasing presence of Wes.  It does not seem quite real yet, but, next week after the busyness of preparing for the funeral is done and everyone goes back to their normal daily routine reality for me, for our family will come.  All the little reminders that are already driving us a bit crazy.  Yet, like my shampoo, the scent of Wes is so deeply imbedded in our lives that for many years to come we will always breathe in a little of who he was in various aspects of our lives and it was good…so very good.
The funeral will be Sunday, December 3^rd at 2:30p.m. with his burial prior to the service at 1:15p.m.