Heaven's Picture - How Sweet It Is!

Communication can be a complicated thing.  Let me tell you a little something about the reality of our communication right now.

We are figuring out how to communicate and it’s not particularly easy.  Take last week for example.  There was something that Wes was trying to tell me and he could not get it out, so I asked Nic if he would be willing to take a bunch of pictures of the inside of our house and Wes’ shop and maybe through that Wes would be able to point at various things in one of the picture that might be connected to the concerns he was having.  So when he tried to speak again I quickly pulled out my phone before he got too frustrated, showed him the pictures and was able to figure out pretty quick what it was that he was worried about.  I assured him that it was being taken care of and he sat back with a nod and I could tell a sense of relief.  

Next I needed to figure out how to communicate with him during meal time.  As I fed him I would always struggle with knowing when he was ready for the next mouthful, which isn’t the worst problem in the world to have, but it can be when someone else is in control of what pace you are eating.  Sometimes I would hold the fork up too soon and then in the next breath I waited too long, the poor guy wasn’t having a very enjoyable meal time.  It sort of became a bit of a joke between us, but I was determined to figure out a way to make this work smoother.  So a couple of days ago I said to him, “Why don’t you look up at me when you’re ready for your next fork full of food?” and he nodded.  And that has been our simple system ever since and it works really well and if he’s thirsty he looks over at his water glass and then looks at me and that’s our signal that he’s thirsty.  I was teasing him that the only reason I started with this arrangement was so that he would still flirt with me.  He just smiled and shook his head as if to say that I was a little bit crazy.  Which we both know is true!

I miss talking to him.  Those casual conversations where we would dream about our future, maybe talk about where we would love to go on our next trip, laugh over something silly the grandkids had done.  I miss hearing his stories about the guys at work or the funny things that would happen to him when he was still driving his semi.  I really miss his 7a.m. phone calls to get me up for work.  I always had the alarm set, but he insisted that he wanted to call just to make sure I was up and getting ready for work when really he often just wanted to talk and sometimes we would talk so long I was late for work anyway.  And then there were the times he’d forget it was my day off and call anyway, so much for sleeping in.  I miss his smart aleck comebacks and sarcastic humor, his goofy faces that made for a good photo bomb.  His silly practical jokes on me that were usually done to make our boys laugh.  

Now, within the silence of this room we speak only of what is right here in this moment or we talk about what has been.  Or rather, I talk and he listens.  I have thanked him over and over for what has been, because what has been between us has been very very good!  I’m learning that even more now through our sons.  We have a lot of “Remember when?” conversations and they usually end up in laughter over something silly that dad did.  Sometimes they end up in tears because of the things that we know we will miss desperately.

There is a quote by A. W. Tozer that goes like this;

“We need never shout across the spaces to an absent God. He is nearer than our own soul, closer than our most secret thoughts”

And I have felt that closeness with God over and over through these past couple of weeks.  Not so much in the busyness of what has become our daily routine, but most often in the still of the night when so much of the world sleeps and then the reality of our situation sometimes prevents me from falling asleep or even wakes me up in fear and in those moments I will sit up in my bed and look out the window and with heart pounding I wait.  I never have to wait long and I don't need to explain to God what I'm waiting for.  He knows.  And it comes. The warm and gentle presence of the Spirit, like a comforting warm blanket.  Kind of like the warm blankets they have here in the hospital, so comforting.  The Spirit's presence is a soothing balm for my brokenness.  In the midst of my private grief and sadness, the peace comes.  When I think of the part of Tozer’s quote that says God is nearer than our own soul, I think of Psalm 34:18 that says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and he saves the crushed in Spirit.”  He’s there, I can’t explain how I know what I know what I know, but, it is like there is a spiritual blanket that envelops me in those moments of pain and so with the security of knowing that God is with me in the darkness I can slide back under the covers and sleep. 

This past weekend I had a conversation with Nic about his dad.  I told him about how his dad had always looked after me and this bit of information was not news to him.  Both our boys have always seen and experienced that this is how it’s always been with dad with me, with them and when Tina joined our family he had that same caring love and concern for her as well.  And well, the grandbabies, let's just say there were no questions asked about how he cared for them.  He was a loving gentleman through and through. 

Always the caregiver and the one who would protect me or any one of us at all costs.  No matter what it was, whether something as silly as me not paying attention to where I was walking on the street and he would quickly pull me back to safety, man he was quick on his feet, well of course he had to be, I'm somewhat of a natural klutz.  Most times it was only because I  wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and was about to trip on a curb and sometimes I did and he would quickly keep me from falling.  He would always hold my hand crossing a street so that if it looked as though a car wasn’t slowing down he would pull back on my hand to keep me out of harms way and he would never allow me to do anything at home that had the potential for me to get hurt. 

So as I was saying, I was chatting with Nic about the fact that I had been thinking about our whole situation here and I often wondered why dad had to be the one to go.  But, then I said that even now, maybe God is helping dad to continue looking out for me, for all of us.  Ok, so here’s where I had a bit of a breakdown before I could continue.  I said, maybe he’s allowing dad to go first so that when I die, well, dad will be there just like he’s always been here for me on earth.   He’ll look out for me, just like he’s always done.  Probably just to make sure I don’t trip on Heaven’s gate when I get there, but either way he’ll be there waiting for all of us!  Ok, it didn’t come out quite as smoothly as that because there might have been a lot more tears and some snot involved right about here.  But I think you get the picture!

And so every day that the battle rages on in this room it is a reminder to me that, well, through this storm and through this dark time I know that our picture of Heaven is getting just a little bit sweeter!

Our trip to Colorado last year!  Wes loves the mountains!