I'm glad He loves me anyway...
Well, the gallbladder surgery is over. I wasn't sure what to expect having never had surgery before. And...it wasn't as bad as I thought and it wasn't as easy as I thought.
We arrived at the hospital at 7:30a.m. and shortly after 9:00a.m. I was prepped and ready and they came to pick me up. I was completely at peace. Wes had been there waiting with me the entire time and for the most part we sat in silence, talking only periodically about life. The nurse took us toward the surgical ward and Wes followed as far as he was able, we said 'goodbye' and he walked away as I continued on with my little IV pole dragging behind.
Walking into the surgical area is like walking into a completely different world. There is no hesitancy with what is going to happen, everyone is confident and moving at a quick but calm pace. You are given instructions from behind masks with smiling eyes and gentle gestures.
"Be careful when you sit down on the table, it's very narrow!" the one nurse cautioned me. Without my glasses on there is very little that I can see comfortably so having them give me verbal directions along with guiding hands was wonderful.
The nurse helped to guide me down onto the narrow operating table and after checking my blood pressure, oxygen level and making fun of the fact that both were extremely normal considering what was about to happen the process of going to sleep began. They stretched my arms out away from my body and the thought flashed through my mind that it had the similar dimensions of the Cross. I would never presume to equate a simple surgery with what Christ went through, but there is a feeling of helplessness when your arms are outstretched and you are at the mercy of people who either desire to hurt or to help. In my case it was to help. Before your thoughts can go much further you are fast asleep.
When I woke up in the recovery room there were the same smiling faces ready to help control the pain as best they could. About an hour later I was in my room.
I was able to go home by Saturday night and thought the ride home was a bit more painful than I had anticipated and sleeping in our non-adjustable bed proved quite challenging for a few nights. But, all in all, I would have no complaints. The care at the hospital was phenomenal.
The one funny thing that kept happening while I was in the hospital was that when Wes left after I had been returned to my room after the surgery was that I had asked him specifically to place my glasses within reach. I feel so helpless without them and though I wasn't going to need them right away I wanted them close just in case. Sort of like a security blanket.
Well, they brought my lunch and without hesitation whipped my glasses just outside my reach on the side table. Not only could I not reach them, but I couldn't even see them from the bed. I managed to maneuver my bed and angle my body very carefully and blindly reached for them my hands scrambling awkwardly along the edge of the table. I was finally able to grab them and then I placed them beside me on the rolling bed table.
Then in the middle of the afternoon after I had worn them I put them back on the roller table to have a nap. At one point when I had been dosing off one of the girls came again to straighten up my table and put fresh water in my water bottle and when I woke my glasses were gone.
Once again I maneuvered the bed and my body, inch by painful inch, toward the side table and my glasses. I debated then and there about wearing them even in my sleep, but thought that would look really stupid, so just before supper came I had once again dozed off and after my supper tray had been dropped off I looked and sure enough my glasses were gone again. I ate without them. I knew it was jell-o, just couldn't tell what kind it was until I held it to my nose to sniff and squint at it.
It's amazing how dependent we become on certain essentials in life.
For me it has always been my glasses, from the moment I got them in grade ten they are my lifeline. I feel lost and out of sorts when I don't have them close by. There have been times when I, without thinking, take them off when I'm changing or getting ready for work and then walk to another part of the house and forget where I left them. I either have to ask one of the men in my house to help me search for them or I scramble for one of my old pairs that is always sitting on my make-up table and use them to find the lost pair.
The first Sunday that I was back at work during the morning service I messed up big time. I had worn my prescription sunglasses on the ride there and without thinking I got out and walked into the church. I immediately realized that I had left my sunglasses on, but by that time Wes was already down the road with no way of contacting him to ask him to bring my regular glasses back.
I walked into my office and debated my options. Walking around a building wearing sunglasses seemed a bit extreme so I opted to leave them in my office and just fake my way through until Wes would be returning for the worship service and I could get my eyes back. I figured people would be OK with me walking slower than normal, they would expect me to be a bit more cautious after my surgery which I was, but mostly I just couldn't see.
I arrived in the sound booth and told Audrey my dilemma, I was so glad that she was our PPT person for the morning! I knew that she would commiserate and laugh with me. Of course that morning we had an issue with the projector and she asked me to look at the screen. I laughed because I knew what I needed to do to actually see the problem. I made my way down the centre aisle, up onto the stage and behind the drums so that I was within a couple of feet of the screen. Trying to give the appearance that this was a normal thing for me to be doing on a Sunday morning I pasted a smile on my face in case someone was smiling at me. They could have been sticking their tongue out and I wouldn't have seen it coming.
Well it was an awkward and strangely funny morning until Wes arrived and ran to the vehicle to give me back my sight. Oh, the relief of that moment! I could see faces again, it was not a sea of blurry beings, but actual people with expressions that I could read. It was amazing how my whole outlook changed now that I could see and be a part of a visual world.
I believe that God has a lesson in everything that happens to us, even the stupid things. I know that there are moments when I don't see Him because I'm scared of what He may require of me. I'm scared sometimes because I know that He sees me inside and out so much clearer than anyone and what He sees is not good. I was reminded again this past week of the importance of looking inside. It's hard, especially after you've blown it with a bad attitude or grumpy demeanor, unfair judgement of a friend or self-pity. Hard to believe that you can have all those issues in only five days isn't it. Well, sad to say, I can sometimes have them all in one day!
Trust has always been a huge thing for me...without my sight I have to trust everyone around me. In the surgical ward it was the doctors and nurses, on the medical ward it was the nurses and aides, in the world it can be friends and strangers, at home it's family and in my heart it has to be God. I wish I could say that that trust is always there, but it's not. Plain and simple, there are too many times I choose to handle everything on my own and that's when I will always run into trouble because of bad choices or bad attitude. Because where am I looking?
Thank goodness that God's forgiveness level never changes, even when He must shake His head and wonder about this creation of His, He loves. Even when we hurt Him by our attitude towards others, He loves. Even when we crawl inside ourselves and have the biggest pity party that we have never earned, He loves. Even when we muddy His name by our actions, He loves.
Very humbling when you think about it isn't it?
"Whatever happens, conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. then whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel." Philippians 1:27
We arrived at the hospital at 7:30a.m. and shortly after 9:00a.m. I was prepped and ready and they came to pick me up. I was completely at peace. Wes had been there waiting with me the entire time and for the most part we sat in silence, talking only periodically about life. The nurse took us toward the surgical ward and Wes followed as far as he was able, we said 'goodbye' and he walked away as I continued on with my little IV pole dragging behind.
Walking into the surgical area is like walking into a completely different world. There is no hesitancy with what is going to happen, everyone is confident and moving at a quick but calm pace. You are given instructions from behind masks with smiling eyes and gentle gestures.
"Be careful when you sit down on the table, it's very narrow!" the one nurse cautioned me. Without my glasses on there is very little that I can see comfortably so having them give me verbal directions along with guiding hands was wonderful.
The nurse helped to guide me down onto the narrow operating table and after checking my blood pressure, oxygen level and making fun of the fact that both were extremely normal considering what was about to happen the process of going to sleep began. They stretched my arms out away from my body and the thought flashed through my mind that it had the similar dimensions of the Cross. I would never presume to equate a simple surgery with what Christ went through, but there is a feeling of helplessness when your arms are outstretched and you are at the mercy of people who either desire to hurt or to help. In my case it was to help. Before your thoughts can go much further you are fast asleep.
When I woke up in the recovery room there were the same smiling faces ready to help control the pain as best they could. About an hour later I was in my room.
I was able to go home by Saturday night and thought the ride home was a bit more painful than I had anticipated and sleeping in our non-adjustable bed proved quite challenging for a few nights. But, all in all, I would have no complaints. The care at the hospital was phenomenal.
The one funny thing that kept happening while I was in the hospital was that when Wes left after I had been returned to my room after the surgery was that I had asked him specifically to place my glasses within reach. I feel so helpless without them and though I wasn't going to need them right away I wanted them close just in case. Sort of like a security blanket.
Well, they brought my lunch and without hesitation whipped my glasses just outside my reach on the side table. Not only could I not reach them, but I couldn't even see them from the bed. I managed to maneuver my bed and angle my body very carefully and blindly reached for them my hands scrambling awkwardly along the edge of the table. I was finally able to grab them and then I placed them beside me on the rolling bed table.
Then in the middle of the afternoon after I had worn them I put them back on the roller table to have a nap. At one point when I had been dosing off one of the girls came again to straighten up my table and put fresh water in my water bottle and when I woke my glasses were gone.
Once again I maneuvered the bed and my body, inch by painful inch, toward the side table and my glasses. I debated then and there about wearing them even in my sleep, but thought that would look really stupid, so just before supper came I had once again dozed off and after my supper tray had been dropped off I looked and sure enough my glasses were gone again. I ate without them. I knew it was jell-o, just couldn't tell what kind it was until I held it to my nose to sniff and squint at it.
It's amazing how dependent we become on certain essentials in life.
For me it has always been my glasses, from the moment I got them in grade ten they are my lifeline. I feel lost and out of sorts when I don't have them close by. There have been times when I, without thinking, take them off when I'm changing or getting ready for work and then walk to another part of the house and forget where I left them. I either have to ask one of the men in my house to help me search for them or I scramble for one of my old pairs that is always sitting on my make-up table and use them to find the lost pair.
The first Sunday that I was back at work during the morning service I messed up big time. I had worn my prescription sunglasses on the ride there and without thinking I got out and walked into the church. I immediately realized that I had left my sunglasses on, but by that time Wes was already down the road with no way of contacting him to ask him to bring my regular glasses back.
I walked into my office and debated my options. Walking around a building wearing sunglasses seemed a bit extreme so I opted to leave them in my office and just fake my way through until Wes would be returning for the worship service and I could get my eyes back. I figured people would be OK with me walking slower than normal, they would expect me to be a bit more cautious after my surgery which I was, but mostly I just couldn't see.
I arrived in the sound booth and told Audrey my dilemma, I was so glad that she was our PPT person for the morning! I knew that she would commiserate and laugh with me. Of course that morning we had an issue with the projector and she asked me to look at the screen. I laughed because I knew what I needed to do to actually see the problem. I made my way down the centre aisle, up onto the stage and behind the drums so that I was within a couple of feet of the screen. Trying to give the appearance that this was a normal thing for me to be doing on a Sunday morning I pasted a smile on my face in case someone was smiling at me. They could have been sticking their tongue out and I wouldn't have seen it coming.
Well it was an awkward and strangely funny morning until Wes arrived and ran to the vehicle to give me back my sight. Oh, the relief of that moment! I could see faces again, it was not a sea of blurry beings, but actual people with expressions that I could read. It was amazing how my whole outlook changed now that I could see and be a part of a visual world.
I believe that God has a lesson in everything that happens to us, even the stupid things. I know that there are moments when I don't see Him because I'm scared of what He may require of me. I'm scared sometimes because I know that He sees me inside and out so much clearer than anyone and what He sees is not good. I was reminded again this past week of the importance of looking inside. It's hard, especially after you've blown it with a bad attitude or grumpy demeanor, unfair judgement of a friend or self-pity. Hard to believe that you can have all those issues in only five days isn't it. Well, sad to say, I can sometimes have them all in one day!
Trust has always been a huge thing for me...without my sight I have to trust everyone around me. In the surgical ward it was the doctors and nurses, on the medical ward it was the nurses and aides, in the world it can be friends and strangers, at home it's family and in my heart it has to be God. I wish I could say that that trust is always there, but it's not. Plain and simple, there are too many times I choose to handle everything on my own and that's when I will always run into trouble because of bad choices or bad attitude. Because where am I looking?
Thank goodness that God's forgiveness level never changes, even when He must shake His head and wonder about this creation of His, He loves. Even when we hurt Him by our attitude towards others, He loves. Even when we crawl inside ourselves and have the biggest pity party that we have never earned, He loves. Even when we muddy His name by our actions, He loves.
Very humbling when you think about it isn't it?
"Whatever happens, conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. then whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel." Philippians 1:27
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