I Still Believe

I’m writing this in Denny’s, as I wait for Nick to get off work and join me for supper.  Today I have been Houdini, a skilled escape artist trying to avoid the true meaning of November 29^th.  Because today marks the 4^th anniversary of Wes’ death and my day was in a desperate need for distraction. So I went into Winnipeg and pretty much finished all my Christmas shopping in one fell swoop.  I was a woman on an emotional  healing mission.

God provided the perfect entertainment for me throughout the day to help distract me! From laughing with the young clerk in Toys R Us who was wrestling with a plastic bag for the longest time trying to open it, only to realize she had it upside down!  To having a salesman exclaim, “Your name is Dinah?  I love that name!  Where do I know that name from?”  I replied, “Dinah Shore!”   Him being my age latched onto the memory of the lovely actress from yesteryear pretty quick and a short conversation with a lot of laughter ensued!  Then there were the clerks who were yelling across the warehouse at each other, checking on an item I was looking for, they found it and then yelled to another guy to help with loading said item onto my truck.  I asked if they had ever considered an intercom system or walkie talkies instead of screaming out orders, to which he replied, “Hah, where’s the fun in that?  All we’d be doing is spending more time looking for the *bleep* walkie talkies, much easier to yell at each other!"  The assistant manager of the store then came over and wanted in on our conversation and proceeded to tell me humorous work stories.  Then him and the clerk tried to up each other with the funnier story and by the time I left they were all waving and yelling goodbye and thanking me for coming in!

So, the day produced some really solid moments of goodness.  Because you see God always does a wonderful job of protecting your heart and bringing comfort to that ache in your soul, though now it’s more of a dull ache.  Still there are certain times of the year where my mind will remember sharper and clearer than other days, like today.  Of course it probably didn’t help that I watched Jeremy Camp’s movie, I Still Believe just before I went to bed last night, oh boy that’s a tearjerker.  Still a very good movie if you’re looking for something good to watch. 

Last weekend I had asked if I could have the grandkids down for the night.  I picked them up in the afternoon since they didn’t have school and off we went to the farm.  We had a blast together!  They helped me decorate the house for Christmas and they did such an amazing job there wasn’t one ornament that I had to change!  They helped carry and make decisions on what should go where and we had the Christmas music blasting out as we sang and decorated.  There came a point when Kinsley made the comment that she really wished that Papa was still here.  He would have had so much fun decorating with us!  What I found so interesting was that a short while later I hear them talking quietly amongst themselves and the older ones were sharing their favorite memories of Papa with Brooklyn. 

Blaique said, “Brooklyn, you won’t remember this but Papa used to lift me up to the ceiling so I could touch it!” and then bit by bit the others began to share little snippets about Papa with Brooklyn.  I couldn’t hear all of the comments and I didn’t want to go into the room and disturb their conversation.  But Brooklyn was listening and learning about who her Papa had been.  

The next day after they had spent some time outside sledding,  I took them to Twister’s for lunch.  Three of the kids were sitting on one side of me in the corner booth, but Kinsley decided she wanted to sit right beside me on her own, she seemed a bit quiet but overall happy.  Then a few minutes later she said softly, “Mama, I wish Papa was here having lunch with us!”  I gave her a big hug and whispered in her ear, “I do too!”  Kids are never afraid to share their feelings if they know we will allow them the space to do it. I always want to give them that space.

Before I left for the city today I read the last post I had written the morning that Wes died and a couple of sentences stood out to me;

He has not been able to eat or drink for a number of days now and his responses are getting less and less.  Yesterday he still held my hand and so throughout the day we would hold hands, sometimes for a few minutes, often for more than an hour.  Sometimes he’s restless, other times he’s so still I’m not sure if he’s still here.  But, he is still my love.

These words have given me peace because this morning I was having doubts that I hadn't done enough to let him know that I was right there and that I loved him and so those written words now bring healing.  I’m very thankful that I continued to journal so much of what him and I went through in that palliative room, those words now bring comfort when I need them most.

On the drive into the city I had a lot of time to think and I realize that I have a lot to be grateful for and that I am very grateful.  Grateful that in these past 4 years God has proven over and over again how much He loves me and walks with me through this pain.  He is my Lord and Savior, the keeper of my soul and protector of my heart and I’m so very grateful that I still know and believe that God is who He says He is.   

                                        ‘Cause I still believe in your faithfulnes  

                                                ‘Cause I still believe in your truth 

                                      ‘Cause I still believe in your holy word

                                                                             Even when I don't see I still believe                                                                               

                                                                              --Jeremy Camp