Contentment

 It is said that braveness is overcoming fears.  It has also been said that bravery is necessary because fear is inescapable, which is also very true.  There’s always something in this life that we are afraid of and we can either let it run our lives, ruin our lives or we can decide to face it head on.  I decided to face mine head on, well mostly head on.

I had two weeks of holidays coming up and whenever someone would ask me what I was doing I didn’t have much of an answer.  I had decided that I would try going on a road trip with the Camaro, but where?  I really wanted to go back to North Carolina since that was the last road trip that Wes and I had taken together, however as the time for my holidays got closer I kept thinking that it was a really long drive, 18 hours to be exact and thinking back to that holiday I remembered how it was on that particular trip back in 2017 that we received word from the Mayo Clinic that they had looked at all the test results sent to them by our doctor and unfortunately they would not be able to help Wes.  We received that message in the hotel room that warm August evening and we both sat on the bed and cried, then Wes took my hand and said, “Let’s go somewhere for a nice supper!” and we did.  But, that news was a dark cloud over that whole trip.  

The other place I wanted to go was to Rapid City, the place where we had gone many times over the years, mostly by motorcycle and the last time we went was in 2016 and we didn’t go on motorcycle, we went with the Camaro.  Wes said that he felt like it was the first time he was really seeing the scenery, being on motorcycle you were always concentrating so much on the road, but with the Camaro, especially with the top down, he was free to look around a bit easier.

So, I dickered back and forth between the two places, but could not seem to come up with a definite plan until the night before I was scheduled to leave.  I prayed and listened for God to speak.

So, Rapid City it was!

But, I was nervous about driving such a long distance by myself.  What if I had car trouble?  I knew Sturgis was happening, was it such a good idea to travel with so many motorcycles around?  You had to be hyper aware of your surroundings and those driving around you.  I remember the close calls that Wes and I had when cars didn’t see us; I wouldn’t want to be responsible for an accident.  I also seemed to be missing that joyful anticipation that you normally have when you’re planning a trip, but I also knew that this trip would be another stark reminder of who was missing from my life.  All of those things combined created an atmosphere of fear for me. When Nick was home for his holidays I shared my fears with him and he calmly said, “Mom, if you get to Grand Forks or Fargo and you just don’t feel like you can go any further, then that’s where you stay.  It’s ok!”

Wednesday morning came; I fueled up the car, washed it so it was sparkly clean and then slowly made my way to the border.  I still wasn’t completely at peace; my nerves were a bit in hyper drive and I was working hard to keep driving and not turn back.  So, I discussed this with God on the way to the border and told Him that if I was going to do this and do it right I needed to know I had his blessing!  What that looked like I had no idea, but, that’s the deal I made with him.

I drove up to the border crossing and I was the only vehicle there, hmm, no time to get panicky here, just dive right in.  It took a little while for the officer to give me the green light, but finally the light changed.  I slowly drove up and handed him my passport and vaccination papers and then he gruffly asked me to pop the trunk so he could inspect it.  When he returned to the driver side window he stood back with his hands on his hips and very sternly asked where I was going.  I told him that I was going to Rapid City.  Without breaking his intense gaze he asked, “What do you want down there?”

I stammered, “Well, I’m planning to see Mt Rushmore!” Ok, that sounded a lot better in my head, but it was the best I could come up with and now saying it out loud it just sounded lame.

He continued to stare.  Great – ugh!

Then I threw caution to the wind and said, “Well, that is the place that my husband and I used to go to a lot on our motorcycle trips.  He passed away 5 years ago and this is my first solo road trip and I’m going to try and make it all the way there.  My kids and my grandkids are cheering me on and I’m very nervous and a bit scared, but I’m going to give it my best shot!” Oh yes, I was seriously babbling now, not sure anymore if anything was making sense, but he wouldn’t stop staring at me. Oh just shoot me now, I don’t even know, do they carry guns? 

I took a deep breath after my short speech and oh crap, here come the tears.  Dang! I turned away from the stern looking officer.  Of course, I had forgotten to put a Kleenex box in the car!  Well, this is not one of my finer moments.

He was quiet, so quiet that I turned back to him to see that his eyes were filled with tears as well.  He moved towards my car, leaned down and began sharing his own grief story.  He had lost his daughter when she was only 11 years old.  I won’t share his whole story here out of respect for his privacy, but let’s just say the tears for both of us did not stop.  We talked for quite a long time, I could see in my rear view mirror that cars were beginning to line up, but he continued to talk.  Finally he stood with a smile and said, “I’ll be praying that you have a blessed journey!”

I was shaking when I drove away, no longer out of fear, but out of joyful shock.  I smiled up at God as I drove.  I had prayed for a blessing for my trip, but I hadn’t realized it would come so quickly and in such a hallowed moment with a customs officer no less.

Was I still pretty nervous?  Oh yes!  Was I now at peace? 100%

I made it to Bismarck that night and the next day I made it to Rapid City.  It was a long drive and not without a few tears here and there, but listening to The Message on Sirius XM helped pass the time away.  So many great worship songs! 

The next morning I was in the breakfast room of the hotel and people were coming and going when an older gentleman who had grabbed a coffee, walked by my table and stopped with a big smile and said, “Good morning!  I pray you have a blessed day!”

Ok, seriously?  God spoke once again through the words of a stranger, He was reminding me that my short prayer, spoken in fear, was still being answered in unexpected ways and with the Father’s love.  God was reminding me that He was right there with me.

I spent the day roaming around sightseeing and then in the evening I made my way to the Pirate’s Cove mini-golf.  And that is where a young couple adopted me for the evening!  I shot my own game behind them, but with every shot I made they were cheering me on and I did the same for them.  They were from Colorado and were there for the races.  We laughed and shared our life stories, they teased each other constantly and it was so reminiscent of Wes and myself that it was a joy to watch.  They were a huge blessing to me that evening! 

I got up early Sunday morning and drove through Needles Hwy.  I put the top down on the car and cranked up the worship music and experienced church with God driving through that beautiful area.

The next day I took a helicopter ride, then went through Rushmore Cave, Keystone, Reptile Gardens, Hill City, a winery, so many places and so many conversations.  I went to a chuck wagon supper and show, which was a lot of fun!  The band was great!  We sang for a good chunk of the evening; the girl on the fiddle could play like nobody’s business…wow!  We sang songs by Neil Diamond, Willie Nelson, the Village People, Charlie Daniels, Billy Ray Cyrus and so many more and then out came Elvis!  At the end, everyone was on their feet.  It was my favorite evening of the whole trip!

Something else that I loved about that evening and I wasn’t expecting was that the gentleman who welcomed us there opened it up by saying, “I’m a pastor, so guess what that means? Yeah, that’s right; we’re going to pray together!”  And he prayed more than a simple table grace; he spoke to God with familiarity and joy.  He was not worried or ashamed of what anyone thought of him or his prayer.  I could have listened to him talking to his Father for a lot longer, but man that prayer gave that room a holy atmosphere. This to me this was another sacred moment where I felt God saying softly, “See, I’m still here!”

Before I left on my trip I had received a message from a dear friend who wrote “If one went on a road trip with Jesus physically sitting there, I wonder what that would be like?”

Well, I can tell you, Jesus wasn’t physically there in the car with me, but through so many people He made his presence known. 

Was it still lonely without Wes by my side, absolutely without a doubt. 

But did it conjure up fantastic memories from years gone by?  100%

Was I able to make new memories all on my own?  You bet your boots! 

Did God keep me safe? Yes He did! 

I arrived home yesterday (Sunday) afternoon and as I slowly drove onto my yard that deep sense of peace that I had throughout my trip just got a whole lot deeper.  I was home, I love this farmyard so much!  Yes, this has been the place of some of the hardest days, but more importantly this has been the place of many of my greatest joys.  And more importantly I opened up my world just a bit more to see what else was out there and God came right along with me for the ride.  I am so content knowing that God has b

rought me this far in my journey.

Paul writes in Philippians 4:12;

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

Paul says here, I have ‘learned contentment’, so to me that says contentment does not come naturally to us, but it is something that can be learned.  I have often prayed to God for contentment, peace and inner joy as I continue to find my way through this life without Wes and God never tires of teaching me and showing me that He is always here for me.  And throughout my journey he includes, family, friends and even strangers who often share His words of life.

To the border officer that prayed I would have a blessed journey I say, “Thank you so much for your prayers! It was a blessed journey!”