The Table Setting

So on Easter Sunday I made my way to Wes’ graveside right after our Sunday morning services.  Yes, it was the first time I had been there since his funeral.  You know it’s funny, for years Wes often said, “Please don’t sit by my grave and grieve for me because I won’t be there.”  So, I haven’t, but for some reason on Easter Sunday I felt compelled to go and even though I knew he had asked me not to spend too much time there, I also knew he would have understood.  I got out of the truck and walked to his grave and stood there.  The tears came for a bit, but, not like the day we buried him there and I realized something.  He was right.  He’s not there.  His body is there but his Spirit is not, he is with God.  And my memories?  Those wonderful memories that I have of him?  Well, they are here with me on the farm.  I was satisfied that I went, but, deep down I knew I’d rather walk around on the farm and recall vivid memories of his life instead of vivid memories of his burial.  And that may not make sense to you and that’s totally ok.

Towards evening that same day I put on Wes’ cozy parka and toque and slipped into my work boots and went for a walk around our yard.  And it was here that I found his presence again.  Beautiful pictures of our times together on the yard came to life from all four corners and it made me smile through the tears.  This is where he was the most alive.

I walked along the shelter belt remembering how years ago when the boys were little Wes would spend hours mowing a go-kart path for them through that shelter belt.  Inevitably he would pick the hottest day of the year and he’d have a baseball cap on (those were the days when he could still wear a cap) and he’d clear sticks and debris from the path and make that race track as near perfect as he could.  His boys needed a track and he would do just about anything for his boys! 

I made my way further along the grass and pictured him this last fall when he was standing there at the end of the shop too weak to mow the lawn anymore, but determined to supervise.  It was late on a Saturday and I took out the International and started mowing the back piece.  As I was mowing I looked up and there he stood in his parka and toque watching me.  He moved his hands from side to side indicating that I should move the mower over because I wasn’t using the full width of it on the grass.  I’ve never been good at that!  I'm sure it takes me triple the time to mow because I only use about a third of the mower width and I know that was always a pet peeve for him.  

I got closer to him and pulled up beside him with the tractor and asked, “Why aren’t you resting?”  he simply smiled and shrugged his shoulders and then indicated that I should keep going and he continued to stand there and watch me.  He was forever teaching me how to do things the right way.  He was always coaching me how to live, whether he realized that that’s what he was doing or not, it was what I was used to our entire married life.  He always wanted to make sure I'd be ok.

Oh how I loved that man!

Walking past the small shed on the yard I saw the pens he used for the cows and the feeders for the chickens.  He always enjoyed having a few animals on the yard and he loved taking care of them.  The sobs tore at my heart as I remembered how we’d laugh because the cows would come and stand by the garden when we were working in there because they just wanted to be where we were.  Silly memories of him trying to shear that idiotic sheep we had and how him and that animal just did not get along.  I cried and laughed at the same time. 

I continued my walk down memory lane and landed up beside the kids play set in the back yard and remembered when we put that together.  We brought it home and Wes ripped into the boxes not realizing that it was a crazy amount of work to put together, way more work than he had anticipated.  It took a few days, but, he was so excited to put it up for the grand kids.  He’d work on it for a short while; have a nap and then go back to work on it.  He was determined that he would have it ready for the next time they were down.  We worked at it together and finally it was complete.   The grand kids have spent hours and hours on that play structure and Papa enjoyed watching them playing on it.

So many wonderful wonderful memories.

A few weeks ago my oldest granddaughter was helping me set the table as she normally does.  I was busy in the kitchen but I would hand her the plates and bowls, whatever she needed and she would run off to place it on the table.  I counted out the plates and handed them to her and then we did the same with the bowls but a few minutes later she came and said, “Mama, I need another plate!”, then “Mama, I need another bowl!”  I thought I had counted the plates and bowls out correctly but in the past few months I’ve realized that I’m still very much in a ‘fog’ when it comes to life in general so it was completely possible that instead of seven plates I had only given her six.  So, without thinking more about it I handed her the extra plates and cutlery.  Everyone was busy getting organized around the table when I looked across and saw that she had placed the ‘extra’ setting at Papa’s place at the end of the table.  I softly called Mark’s name and pointed out what Blaique had done.  No words were necessary from any of us because we had no words.  That sweet little girl was going to have Papa's place setting ready just in case he would show up.  Oh how those little ones struggle to understand!  And I think, how can they understand when we ourselves struggle to understand.  There was so much love for him which means there is so much sorrow in our missing  him too.

In her own innocent way she was displaying what our hearts all would long for.  Papa please come home!  We're ready any time you are!

But, it’s not going to happen, no matter how much we wish it would and we know that in our heads, but, our hearts long for him to be with us.  We miss him so much!  Our world is just not the same without him!  How in the world can he be happier anywhere else?  

And so when God paints a picture of Heaven like that I guess why would you want to be anywhere else?