Two Pennies

People continue to ask me how I’m doing and I appreciate everyone’s heartfelt concern.  My response?  I have good days and bad days, good moments and bad moments and I don’t always know what will trigger the grief.  Daily life has often become unpredictable.  Take today for instance, I was in the grocery store picking up a few items and I walked by the bread display.  I looked over the selection and noticed the sliced raisin bread.  Now you might think, bread? Really?  I stood there staring at that loaf of bread as the pain tore through my heart.  Then I reached up and carefully touched one of the loaves and I lost my breath as a clear memory came flooding back. 

You see, Wes and I would have toasted raisin bread with cheez whiz for breakfast almost every day in palliative care. I had a toaster in the kitchenette and I would get it ready for him there.  Raisin toast was also the last ‘meal’  that I fed him.  That last week he was alive I was cutting the pieces as small as I could before placing it into his mouth because his ability to swallow was diminishing quickly.  His eyes would not look away from mine as I carefully placed another piece into his mouth.  Every now and again I would run my hand down his cheek as he carefully chewed and swallowed each piece and often he would gently sigh. 

My eyes filled with tears at the picture in my mind and I quickly pushed my cart away toward the deli.  Taking deep breaths as I continued my shopping my mind rolled with memories; the color of his eyes, his quiet laugh, his crazy sense of humor, his gentle hugs, his deep deep love.  I finished my shopping without breaking down, even managing a conversation with the teller and greeting a sweet cousin in the line-up and all the while my mind was urging me to get out of there as fast as possible.  I loaded my groceries into the truck and as I drove away the weeping started.  It’s hard when you can’t control the emotions.  They take over and you can’t simply turn them off.  I arrived home and unpacked my groceries.   I took a long hot bubble bath to relax and afterwards I cozied down into my lazy boy and promptly fell asleep.  I dreamt that Wes was sitting in his chair smiling at me and I woke up with a smile and looked over but his chair was empty and the sorrow hit again and so I’ve spent most of my evening crying.  It’s weird but it’s like your shocked all over again and the gut wrenching ache as your mind absorbs once more that he is gone is a pain that is indescribable.  And still through that pain I somehow know God loves me and my pain is his pain too.

A few Sundays ago I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of sadness that made even the simplest task, like getting out of bed, very difficult.  My heart was heavy, it had been a tough weekend, though there were a couple of bright spots, like having an unexpected supper together with my kids and grandkids on that Friday followed by the wedding of some dear friends on Saturday.  I thought if I tried hard enough I could make it through unscathed.  It didn’t work.  The grief was building slowly and the more I tried to push it down the more it struggled to be felt.  I pressed hard to keep busy, staying in light-hearted conversations, to laugh, anything so that I didn’t have to think or feel  beyond the moment I was in and still the sadness kept pushing itself to the forefront of my heart.  I could feel my emotions rising. 

I left home to go to church with the radio belting out worship songs, hoping against hope that the dark feeling would pass.  I made it through our pre-service meeting and even through most of the first service.  But then during the second service the tears came and they just wouldn’t stop.  Sitting in the sound booth I bowed my head and tried to even out my breathing but I couldn’t stop it.  It felt like my heart was breaking in two.  The grief had been forcing its way to the surface all morning and I couldn’t battle the emotions anymore.  This was grief in its most raw state and my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to get it under control.  I was in anguish, a word that I never really understood until this phase of my life.   I sensed someone kneeling beside me and instantly I was being comforted by a friend and that was wonderful, but I was petrified that this moment could quickly gain momentum and I would go into the ugly cry because my emotions seemed to have a mind of their own.  I finally managed to pull myself together enough that I could continue working through the second service, knowing full well that my mascara was all over the place, but still I needed to push through this.

Then Dan began his Soul Care message on fear and it was so powerful.  He challenged us to understand how valuable we are in the sight of God.  He shared  Matthew 10:29 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.”

An old verse speaking a new truth to my heart.  No matter that I often feel I’m falling, I’m never outside my Father’s care.  I love that picture!

He went on to say, “Often we look to people to give us our value, but people thinking that you are valuable doesn’t make you valuable.” 

Therein lay my personal battle. 

Dan’s message continued to hit home, “You know you’re valuable because Jesus paid a price for you and that price is exactly what your worth.  Jesus gave everything for you and he does not think that he overpaid.  And that’s your value.  The question of what we are worth was settled at the cross with Jesus.“

This is something I have struggled with for years.  Allowing others to dictate my value. 

Still, Wes was always my cheerleader when I would struggle with my self-worth.  He would encourage, love and speak truth into those lies.  He was that quiet gentle voice that would reason things out for me, that would remind me how much Jesus loves me no matter what anyone else believes or doesn’t believe and then he would smile that crooked smile of his and say, “And don’t forget that I love you too!” 

And now that voice of love is silent, but the truth of what Wes tried to share with me all these years, that truth that he wanted me to believe has remained, that same truth that Dan spoke weeks ago from Matthew 10.  Isn't it amazing how God ties everything together?  When we speak truth to one another, based on scripture, it all comes out in the end.  And then if you go to the end of that passage it says, “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

I love that! 

So, no matter what you are going through, no matter the self-doubt, the heartache or sorrow,  no matter what you believe about yourself, you need to know this one thing.  YOU ARE VALUABLE! Why? Because Jesus paid a price for you and that price is exactly what your worth!  You are worth dying for!  That's a whole lot of love and quite frankly, if Jesus doesn’t think he’s overpaid, then that’s all that matters.

Yes, I know their doves, but they were the closest pic I had of sparrows.

Taken on the farm a few years ago.