Joy Can Come In The Morning

These past couple of weeks have been difficult to say the least and the past few days have been even more so. 

So many firsts have happened these past couple of weeks.  Last Sunday before Nic left to go back to the city I asked him to show me how to fill up the heaters in the shop.  I hadn’t been in the shop since Wes died and I knew it would be difficult, but I also knew I needed to go in there.  I put on Wes’ big work jacket and his shop gloves and off we went.  I barely made it into the shop door and the tears started.  Nic just kept talking and teaching me how to refill the heaters as the tears rolled, but I made it through.

I also went back to work this week and that was good I think to stay busy.  But the reminders of Wes were everywhere and that’s to be expected since we worked together so much in the church, but the emotions that hit you are often completely unexpected and somewhat debilitating because you feel like your drowning in your own emotions.  I wear his wedding ring now, I like looking at it on my index finger and remembering how much he loved that ring.

On Friday, yesterday, I had decided to go to Winnipeg to finish my Christmas shopping but before I left for the city I knew I needed to fill up the heaters in the shop.  I put on Wes’ big parka and work gloves again and trudged off to the shop, lugging those heaters out I filled them up and even got them running again and as I walked back to the house I wiped away more tears, before they froze on my face and I felt a little bit of pride that I could do it all by myself!  And I think to myself that I know Wes would have been really really proud of me for getting it done.  Aaaand that thought makes me cry again.

I finally left for the city around noon…and yup, I cried all the way to the city and I talked to God out loud in between the sniffles.  Finally made it to Toys R Us and perked up a bit as I shopped for our grand babies, but my heart was still aching to have him with me as I shop.

I threw the packages into the box of the truck and left for the next store…and you guessed it, I cried all the way there.  Spent about 5 minutes blowing my nose in the truck before going in to that store to go shopping.  Yes, the bottom of my purse looks like a recycling center for balled up Kleenex’s that really belong in the garbage.  And yes, before you go ewww, I have sometimes had to use the same Kleenex over and over because I think I’ve put enough clean ones in my purse to last a lifetime and before you know it they're all soggy and what’s a girl to do, but reuse, reuse, reuse!

Anyway, later that afternoon I asked Nic if he wanted to meet me for supper.  He said sure and then asked where.  I told him Olive Garden, which surprised him and to be honest kind of surprised me too since that was Wes’ favorite place.  But, you see my heart needed to go there because this weekend is Wes’ birthday.  Sunday to be exact.  He would have been 55, like me and we probably would have gone either to Olive Garden or to Grand Forks for Mexican at Paradiso.   And every year on his birthday he would say to me, “Now, I’m finally as old as you are!” It was a lame joke because I was only 3 months older than him, but he always got a kick out of saying it.

Nic was still at work when I called him so I told him I would go in and get a table. The hostess brought me to the booth and I tried really hard, I mean really hard not to cry but it was no use, the memories of all our times together in that restaurant came rushing over me.  That poor waitress!  I ordered a diet coke in-between sobs and she took off like her apron was on fire. Didn’t blame her one bit!

She came back with my drink and I apologized and made sure I got myself back under control and she was so kind, wanting to make sure I was ok.  Nic came and we had a great supper together.  I was even able to maintain my composure and have an actual conversation without any snot involved at all!

Of course that only lasted until we got to the parking lot.  Simply saying goodbye to my son caused the tears to flow again.  Oh brother!  I had done the same thing to Mark earlier when he called me on the drive in.  All I wanted to say was goodbye and I love you and I think it came out, “Ggmby I luf u!”  Somehow when you weep you lose all your vowels!

There’s something about telling my children I love them and saying goodbye to them that brings my heart to my knees.  I think it reminds me of all those moments when they did that for Wes.  Every time they left the hospital room they always hugged him and said “I love you dad!” and deep down we knew each time they said it that it was goodbye.  Our family has become very conscious of saying I love you, not out of habit, but because through this experience we have gained some clearer understanding of the importance of telling family how you feel.  Don't wait, because you never know.

I decided to stay in the city for night so I could continue shopping and to be honest, I wasn’t interested in going home.  I checked into the Days Inn on Berry Street, the hotel that Wes always wanted to stay at.  And yes, you guessed it; all the clerk did was ask if I had stayed there before and yup, there went the waterworks.

I know your probably thinking, “Why in the world does she even go out in public?” 

I’ll tell you why, because you don’t know.  You don’t know how you’re going to react.  And that’s the honest truth.  I’ve had conversations where the other person is crying their eyes out and I feel bad because I seem to have very little reaction emotionally and usually that’s because on that particular day I’m feeling really strong and then I’ve had days like yesterday where you keep telling yourself you can do this and then you land up being  a hot mess every 5 minutes.  Grief is unpredictable..kind of like when I was in labor, I didn’t know when that next labor pain was going to hit but when it did look out Charlie!  And I would say that grief is definitely way more painful!  Childbirth you know there’s an end whereas grief?  You have no idea of when it will end or if it will ever really end.  You just have to take it day by day.

But I have discovered something incredible and that is that strangers are extremely compassionate when they witness your sorrow.  The waitress at Olive Garden was so kind and caring, the hotel clerk stopped everything she was doing and simply said, “You’re going to be alright!  It will take some time, but you will be ok!”  They aren’t embarrassed by your tears; they don’t pull away or ignore you because they are uncomfortable.  They embrace your pain with you in the moment.

Aaand then came the night.  I was up most of the night, flicking the TV on and off, looking at my phone , staring up at the ceiling in the darkness, feeling lost and then literally becoming sick to my stomach from crying.  I asked God why over and over.  I grieved, I groaned, I wept, I prayed.

I mean, you’d think by now I would have run out of fluids.  Apparently not.

But then came the morning.  I woke up from my 2 hour power nap called sleep, looked out the window and saw the fresh snow on the ground.  It was a new day and like that fresh snow, I had a fresh start.  I also knew that God had been there with me through that entire night and that He met me right there in that hotel room in the midst of my pain and agonizing sorrow and He stayed there with me  every minute until I was capable of returning to the land of the living.  And His presence and his love was like a healing balm to my grieving heart.

I went outside and brushed all the snow off the truck, making sure to clean out the vents and snap the windshield wipers just like Wes had taught me to do.  Then started it up so it could thaw off, just like Wes would have done.  I went back inside to have a cup of coffee and a muffin, watching couples and families enjoying their breakfast time together and guess what?  No tears!  As I looked around the room I remembered times we had been there by ourselves or with our family and those memories now brought a smile.  In that moment I realized that for today I would be at peace with my life.  And today is today, I can't worry about tomorrow.

After I finished my coffee, I went and said goodbye to the girl behind the desk.  She smiled and asked, “Are you ok?”

I said, “I will be”

She said, “Yes, you will”

And she would be right.