A Witness

Tuesday morning started out a bit differently.  Wes seemed to be somewhat down when he woke up, but, we chatted for a bit, his breakfast came and he ate as usual and then seemed to perk up.  Our doctor came to see us and shared that he and the other doctors in Winnipeg felt that any further treatment for Wes would not be beneficial.  There was nothing left on the table.  Except comfort, they would make him as comfortable as possible.  Somehow this did not surprise either of us.

Periodically, over the past couple of days he had been asking me to repeat the names of those coming.  I would do that, sometimes with an explanation and then he seemed to know who they were.  Memory loss was becoming more obvious to the outside world.  I had been noticing it more and more over these past few months, but, it was always about things or situations.  Now it was about people.

Wes had his two bosses visit him in the morning, Doug from Janzen’s came first and then about an hour later Mark from Monarch in Winnipeg came with Wes’ good friend & co-worker Jane.  Two really good visits where he was still himself and we enjoyed those visits.

Shortly after that he started sleeping a lot. 

All afternoon.   He woke up at one point when Nic was there with me and I realized something wasn’t right when I mentioned that Connie had been there.  And he looked at me with this puzzled look and asked who that was.  I explained that Connie was his sister, his baby sister.  He shook his head, no he had no recollection of her.  Jokingly I asked if he knew who Nic was.  He shook his head ‘no’ and I thought he was maybe being a smart alec until he pointed at Nic and asked  “who is that?” 

“That’s your oldest son Nicolas”

He shook his head.

My heart stops.

“Do you know who I am?”

He nods.

My heart begins to beat again.

And he falls asleep.

Throughout the rest of the day he had moments when he knew people and then a few minutes later would say he did not know who they were.

Thankfully he knew Nic again and he knew Mark and Tina when they came, but for how long?

After our kids left I buzzed around the room getting ready for bed.  I helped him to the bathroom and suddenly he said he wanted to take a shower, so off I ran to gather towels and accessories for him while he waited patiently.  We took care of that, I helped him get his nightgown on and then he stood in front of the mirror.  He wanted to shave.  I ran to get his razor and saw that he was shaking a bit to stay standing.  I ran to get a chair for him to sit in front of the mirror.  He simply sat there.  Finally I asked if he wanted me to do this for him.  He nodded.  I applied the shaving cream all over his head just as I had watched him do many times over the years and then carefully put some around his goatee.  

It hit me that this would be my final act of love for the day.  I ran the blade over his head; feeling with my fingertips to make sure everything was as smooth as he would like it.  We didn’t talk.  I don’t know that we had anything left to say.  He still knew me and that was enough for this moment. 

I would keep shaving and silently expressing my love through this personal time with him, I would not think about tomorrow.

It was just after 2a.m. when I started this post and he’s sleeping so peacefully and I wonder about when he wakes up in the morning, who will he have forgotten today?  Will there be that moment when recognition for me no longer reaches his eyes.

A number of years ago our favorite movie to watch was Shall We Dance?  It got us into ballroom dancing and we loved it.  We weren’t good at it mind you, but we loved it.  And there was a quote in that movie that Susan Sarandon made and it goes like this;

”We need a witness to our lives.  There’s a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day.  You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.  Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'."

Throughout these past few months this blog has been my way of being his witness, the picture that I wanted to paint for anyone who reads it about the depth and character of this man I married.  It was also meant to be an encouragement to anyone who walks through this hard journey called cancer.

But,  you want to know what really happened?   

The more I would share with you about who Wes is and the journey we are on as a family, ultimately the story always reflected back to who God is and how he has been with us through the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time. 

God’s faithfulness will not go unnoticed because we have all noticed it, God’s love will not go unwitnessed because we have all witnessed it.

Whatever time we have left as a family we know will not be easy.  We are grateful that Wes still has no pain. But, for us as a family there has already been so much pain and there will continue to be this up and down of emotions and our situation will flick back and forth keeping us constantly on edge wondering what's going to happen next. 

We will be moved over and through the waves of fear, hope and grief.  And though the waves will crash violently around us we know God is right there in the storm with us. The ebb and flow of what the next hours or days or maybe weeks will look like no one knows.  Oh, we still have moments of laughter and we cherish those times tremendously.  But we acknowledge that Wes is in the homestretch of his life’s race, his time of quiet witnessing is slowly coming to a close. 

But that does not mean the witnessing ends here.  Those after effects of how his life has been so intertwined with God will continue to witness and speak of who God is through the many lives he touched.  This imperfect, loving and gracious man has been a wonderful, faithful, quiet witness. 

And God is being noticed.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,”  Hebrews 12:1