The Eye of the Storm

I watched as the mixture of Resolve poured out of the bottle and as the two liquids combined and fell onto the bloody pillow case the mixture turned a pure white and bubbled up like an elementary school baking soda experiment.  As the mixture continued to bubble and react on the pillow case my mind went back to this past Sunday night when Wes suffered his first massive seizure.  The 911 operator was kind and her voice extremely calming as she walked me through the steps necessary to help him.  Even in those moments when her voice fell silent and the only sound we heard was Wes struggling her quiet presence was comforting.  As we waited for the ambulance she would periodically ask me to perform another step, her voice soft yet authoritative.

“I know this is hard, but, I need you to make sure he moves onto his side”

“I know this is hard, but, I need you to count his breaths for me”

“I know this is hard, but, I need you to quietly reassure him he’s alright.”

“I know this is hard, but you’re doing so well!”

 “I won’t hang up until I hear you talking to the paramedics, I’m right here, you’re doing just fine.  I know this is hard”

“I know this is hard…”

I didn’t cry or panic, she kept me calm and able to function as long as I listened to that quiet voice on the other end of the line.  That voice was my lifeline.  It was key to helping my husband move through this awful moment.  I pressed the phone closer to my ear anxiously waiting to hear her speak again, yet, even in the moments of complete silence I had peace knowing she was there.  

This past month our church has been hearing messages about the Holy Spirit and they’ve all been so very good.  And as I thought back to my short time with the 911 operator I remembered the message that Dan preached a couple of weeks ago when he said, “Trusting God is to let him lead and that is distinctly tied into how well we pay attention to him.”

Yeah, following the Spirit is a lot like listening for the voice of the 911 operator.  I knew instinctively this woman at the other end of the phone was someone who had my best interest at heart.  I felt that I could trust her the moment I heard her voice and even in the midst of this horrible situation I knew that I didn’t want her to leave me, I clung to her voice, to her presence, to her leading.  I needed her more desperately than I had ever needed any one person before in my life.  She was my lifeline.  A few days later it clicked for me that this is how I should cling to the Holy Spirit’s presence too. That aching hunger to hear the operator’s voice is exactly how I should long to hear the Spirit’s voice.  Whatever the operator said, whatever instruction she gave I followed to the letter.  I didn’t argue that I knew better, I didn’t simply hang up and do my own thing.  I needed to hear every word she spoke; I soaked in every inflection in her voice and I felt comfort that even though at times she was silent she was still there and in her time she would offer the next step to follow and so I waited for her.  She was my connection to a world that I was completely unfamiliar with but instinctively I knew that where she was leading me was better than where I would lead myself.   

Her job was to lead me and my job was to follow and that worked so well.  To lead is also the Holy Spirit’s job and so in reality he is our spiritual 911 operator and our job is simply to listen and to follow.  Now why is that so much harder than it sounds?

Well, the paramedics checked Wes out completely and took him to BTHC.  The nurses and doctor were kind and compassionate, informing me of everything they were doing to help him.  Our son Mark had come to the hospital right away and was with me there in the room when suddenly Wes went into another aggressive seizure.  It was a lot harder to absorb in the brightly lit examining room.  Mark ran to get the doctor and then we left the room to let them work.

Mark got me a chair and we waited in the hallway listening to the sounds of the struggle.  This time the tears came.  There was no audible voice in my ear assuring me of what my next step was, but Mark comforted me simply by his presence.  It was the middle of the night  and he called his brother, to let him know what was happening, he continued to text Tina to keep her up to date.  Our little family’s world was being wildly torn apart, yet in the eye of the storm we were going to stick together.

The next day we were told that there was extensive swelling in his brain which was the cause of the seizures so medication is being administered to try and get the swelling down and to prevent this from happening again.  Wes is still in the hospital, still undergoing tests to monitor his progress after the seizures. 

But, there are after affects from the storm.  His short term memory is struggling.  He will remember things from before the seizures, but not too much after.  So, I repeat things a lot.  At times he struggles to remember where he is, he struggles to remember a word that he wants to use to describe something to me.  He doesn’t remember every event from one day to the next, so we gently remind him.  We never correct him or argue, we simply talk with him so he doesn’t feel frustrated.  This is our new normal for now.

Kim, who is our nurse from the Brain Tumor Clinic in Winnipeg assured me that once the meds have settled into his body in another day or so we should see some improvement in his short term memory, but that we should not expect that he will ever be exactly who he was.

Except, when he winks at me when I walk in the room or he holds my hand and tells me he loves me or he reminisces with me about the things that happened before this all happened.  I know he’s still there and he is exactly who he needs to be right now.  

The eye of the storm has come and gone for now and it has altered our world, but, it has not devastated our relationship with one another.  In fact, our family has grown closer and stronger in our love and support for one another and in the midst of it all we know that God is a huge part of that.  We understand a bit better how much we need to hold each other up, the power of prayer and the gift of family and friends who carry us.  But, it’s not always easy, it’s exhausting and it’s like the voice of the operator has been replaced by the voice of the Spirit, yet the words are almost the same, “I know this will be hard…”

Trusting God doesn’t mean everything is going to be ok and I get that but I also know that trusting him means believing that whatever storm is waiting around the next corner he will be there and he loves me.  

In our lives we will have moments when we feel like we’re spinning out of control, moments when the winds of trials are howling loud enough to rattle the windowpanes creating panic and fear and there will be times when the clouds come and hide the sun causing us to stumble in the darkness.  Yet, those are the times when we need to remind ourselves to stop and listen, to hold onto the voice of the Spirit, to thirst after him, to desire his presence above everything else, because in the midst of all the noise his voice is there, a still small voice, a gentle whisper, “I know this is hard…” and it is within those whispers that you will find him.

“Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.”     1 Kings 19:11-12