"Just be Patient"

I hate to wait. I don’t like to wait in a line at the grocery store, I’m not crazy about waiting in a dentist office and I definitely still find it hard to wait for presents, yes I know I’m 54 and I should not really be interested in presents anymore, but, hey, it’s still my thing!. But what I struggle with the most in my walk with God is waiting for answers from him.

Why do we have to wait anyway?

I’ve heard it said that waiting teaches us to trust God; I’ve also been taught that his timing is always perfect and I’ve been told that God always has a purpose in the things we go through.

Those things are easy to say when life is going good, but, what about those times when you are wading through rough waters and then mid-stream God calls you to change direction or maybe he calls you to start wading a little more toward the deep end.  That’s when processing those truths gets a little harder.

So, this has been my week so far. On Monday morning I was running audio for a funeral at church when I receive an urgent email from Dr. Toyota’s office; they needed me to call them as soon as possible.  Oh boy!  Well, I can’t just up and walk out of a funeral so I send an email back explaining that I wouldn’t be able to call them for another half hour or so.  The minute everything was done I ran to the office to call.  Too late, Dr. Toyota was no longer available, but he would call me back at 4:30 Vancouver time, which is about 6:30 our time, so now I wait all afternoon! Did I mention I hate waiting?

So, he calls and I can hear in his voice it’s not good.  Well, the gist of the problem was that the hospital and the laser company were not seeing eye to eye on some financial issues and so the laser company was not going to provide the lasers that Dr. Toyota needs to perform his surgeries and so long story short Wes’ surgery was cancelled.

All that time and energy thrown into planning, all the paperwork and the phone calls and arrangements and notes, now gone like a dandelion puff in the wind.  Really?  And what about all the hope that this surgery was going to offer us?  Gone.

Wes and I sat in shocked silence for most of Tuesday evening after the phone call.  What was there to say?  Discouraged, disappointed, hopeless and just plain sad. 

This morning I had a long conversation with Kim from the Brain Tumor Clinic at HSC in Winnipeg, she’s my little light at that clinic, my go-to girl, the cheerleader who never fails to say, “Let me figure something out!”  We talked and she encouraged, I felt defeated and she told me to hang in there.  She quickly made arrangements for Wes to have an appointment at the Brain Tumor Clinic in Winnipeg on Friday and have Wes start his second cycle of chemo and that's it for now.

After that phone call I cancelled our flights and the hotel and contacted Dr. Toyota's office one last time. Every conversation I had it felt like my mind just couldn’t comprehend what I was doing.  Why would God say ‘no’ at the last minute like this?  We had prayed, so many people have been praying.  So, why?

I hung up the phone and walked out of the church to my car.  I wasn’t angry, I was hurt and I was confused.  Now the process of telling family and friends would begin and I knew that would not be easy.  There would be a lot of questions and I didn’t have all the answers. 

I sat down in the car, put my sunglasses on and started the car.  And there it was.  Peace.  I can’t explain it, but, it was peace and dare I say, ‘happiness’.  Not the giddy kind of ‘it’s my lucky day’ kind of happiness, but the kind that comes from deep down inside that part of you that holds your faith.  I can’t explain how that works, I can’t even explain why it works, but, it does.  And suddenly you look around and you realize that your still in the deep end of the water exactly where God has called you and you’re still paddling, you’re still keeping your head above water but there’s a calm that surrounds you.  It’s like you are in such complete harmony with God that even being in the deep end is ok because he’s right there beside you. 

Often we believe that God is saying, “No,” when he is really saying, “Not yet.”

“Not yet.”

I’m not patient; I don’t think I ever will be and God's ok with that as long as I don't allow that impatience to tear away at my faith in following him.

So we’ve changed direction and we don't know what our next plan of action will be but I will not despair and I will trust. Because in the end I love God enough to say yes I’ll trust you, not because it’s all I have left, but because I know with complete certainty that you love Wes even more than I do and for me right now that’s enough.

"But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!"  Habakkuk 2:3