His Light In Our Darkness

As some of you know a couple of weeks ago we received news that has left us somewhat in shock.  We were told that Wes’ brain tumor has grown back, larger & more invasive than it was 9 years ago.  Our last appointment in November we were told there was no change, everything was good, but, in those 6 months the tumor has grown extensively.  The harder news to hear was that surgery and radiation were not an option this time.  So, now what?  Well, if you’re me, you cry and then you search for the best way to process.  Then I keep busy, going about my somewhat normal day, but throughout that day my mind is rolling and I am constantly asking, “Is this for real?”  And any and all spare minutes I’m doing research.

So, here’s the skinny, we were told our only recourse to attack this tumor would be with an oral chemo called Temozolomide, the same chemo pills that Wes took 9 years ago.  Taking these could offer the hope that the tumor would go into remission or possibly shrink.  Our doctor also informed us that he had sent Wes’ records to Dr. Brian Toyota in Vancouver in the hopes that he could perform a new type of laser surgery that could help to kill some of the cancer cells in the tumor and potentially make the brain more receptive to the chemo.  So, part of my research was finding out as much as I could about Dr. Toyota and everything I read was very encouraging, not just about his success but about his kindness to his patients.  Our doctor at HSC did not want us to get our hopes up so he was also quick to say that Wes would probably not be a candidate for this new procedure. 

So, what does that do to your mind?  Well, it’s the beginning of the rollercoaster ride of emotional and physical exhaustion.  And still God has been completely visible throughout the start of this journey and it may sound strange but the verse that he kept giving to me comes from 2 Samuel 12:20, it’s right after David finds out that his son has died and his servants were afraid to tell him because he might do something desperate (which I could identify with), but after they told him it says, “Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped.”  It wasn’t that he didn’t care that his son had died, but, he couldn’t change the situation.  The Lord had made his decision and so David needed to accept that.  We can’t change our situation either and though the tears still come there also comes the time that you know you have to get up, wipe your tears and move on to worship.  This past week I had been going pretty strong at work, I had a lot to get done and I was feeling completely overwhelmed and so very overtired, but, I put my head down and just worked as hard as I could to complete my tasks.  Then one afternoon in my office I felt God nudging me to stop what I was doing and worship.  I pulled up a Hillsong video on my computer where they sing one of my favorite songs Cornerstone and it was when the words "Christ alone; cornerstone, weak made strong; in the Savior’s love.  Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all" came at the end of the song I was weeping at my desk.  The presence of God was so powerful and so real in my office in that moment that though I was weeping in my weakness I could feel His strength and His love surround me.  From the outside looking in it will have looked like a grief stricken, broken moment, but in all reality It was a gift from God.  God wants us to pour out our fears and worries to Him, but he also wants us to worship, through those storms that overwhelm us.

On Friday afternoon I received the call I had been waiting for from Dr. Brian Toyota and within the first 2 minutes of talking with him I realized very quickly that all the reviews of his kind and gentle nature were true.  He didn’t just throw options at me he wanted to know about our journey, he never once cut me off to ‘get on with the business at hand’ he encouraged and would offer answers that were hopeful without promising the world.  The long and short of it is that he feels that Wes would be a good candidate for laser surgery.  A flicker of hope.

So, on June 23^rd we will be flying to Vancouver to have this procedure done.  Dr. Toyota works out of a private clinic so the cost is not covered by MHSC, but, we talked about it, prayed about it and felt that this was worth trying.

This morning the tears have been freefalling again, not because of discouragement, but, I’m so overtired emotionally and physically.  Many conversations have been ongoing throughout this week with HSC and Vancouver nurses to set everything up, informing family and close friends of everything that is going on, decisions that need to be made and still all the day to day work that has to get done.  And then this morning (Saturday) we began Wes’ first chemo  cycle and as I counted out the pills, put the kitchen timer on for each session my heart broke just a little bit.  It’s the ‘what if’s…’ what if this doesn’t work?  What if this time he gets really sick with the chemo?  What if…what if…what if…

So, I ask for your prayers and we welcome words of encouragement and we are so very grateful!  First and foremost that we have a God that knows our fears better than anyone and he's got us in the palm of His Hand and second that right now Wes is actually feeling really good and third that we have family, friends and an entire community that are lifting us in prayer for strength and peace.  And so with that love surrounding us we stop and worship the One who will carry all those ‘what ifs’ for us!

There’s a saying that goes like this, “Don’t forget in the dark what you learned in the light.”  I'm so thankful that we know the Father of light!

Psalm 119:105  Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.

Take the time to read the entire chapter of Psalm 119…you will feel any edge of darkness slowly dissipate in the promises of God’s love.